The Bombshell of Adulthood – My Story, Part 2

Aoife Commins shares part 2 of her personal story of her struggle with anxiety and depression. Aoife is a mental health advocate and is about to do a head shave as a fundraiser for Pieta House. You can read part 1 here.

Although things had turned around for me, sadly my anxiety started slowly creeping back in late 2015. I put a lot of pressure on myself back then and it was hard for my fragile mind to cope. College became very difficult again but I was a different person this time and I reached out. I met with my lead lecturer who was so kind and understanding and gave me an extension on an assignment that was causing me a lot of upset. She also encouraged me to go to the free college support services. I found them very helpful, but sadly the damage had been done and my anxiety had already built big scary walls in my head that I’m still trying to break down.

Again in final year my anxiety flared due to fear and worry about returning as a nurse intern. Being a student nurse is not easy. It’s a tough career that requires determination and a love for the job. I absolutely love nursing. I love caring for my patients. But going out as a fresh intern was difficult. I struggled for the first few months and had many sleepless nights resulting in working 13 hour shifts completely physically and emotionally exhausted. I broke down in tears more times during my internship then I ever did in college. One rotation became so tough that my clinical coordinator told me I should avail of the HSE free counselling services. So again I went back to see someone, and began to feel better. I also opened up to my parents again because even though I knew they would begin worrying about me, I knew I’d feel better.

In September of last year, I got offered my position as a Staff Nurse on a ward I loved. I was on cloud nine. I still had anxious days then but I was much better at silencing my demons. However my amazing luck of being placed on that great ward was short-lived. I started having minor issues with power to my left arm and eventually after lying on it funny I lost all power below the elbow, I couldn’t lift my wrist or fingers.

I injured my wrist in November 2017 and now as of April 2018 it has still not fully recovered, however it has improved immensely. I only recently got back to work but sadly I’m not allowed nurse patients, I’m doing office work instead. I won’t complain though, because those 4 months off work became as dark as those days in 2013. I completely lost hope. Being alone with your thoughts for that long is not easy. My wrist was healing so slowly I thought it might never recover fully. All my college friends were getting so experienced and confident on the wards and I felt like I was rapidly falling behind. I wanted to give up again. I knew I needed extra help, so I went to my GP and she recommended I try some medication for a while. So now I’m on an antidepressant again. It has immensely reduced my irrational anxiety that was always playing in the back of my mind like a broken record.

Currently I feel great. I keep myself super busy as I find it a great distraction for the mind. I’m back working two jobs, playing guitar, volunteering and I also work out 4 to 5 times a week. I cannot express how much exercise helps my mood. It truly is one of the best natural cures for anxiety. Whenever my mind is running and I can’t stop it I go to the gym or go for a run and that is my mindfulness. Your body is distracting your mind. It was the only thing I filled my days with when I was off work.

However while off sick it opened my eyes. Life can you throw you curveballs at any time and you can never be prepared for the emotional toll it can take on you. I realised if I didn’t have my parents and their financial support, I don’t know where I would be now. But not everyone has those supports. Not everyone feels they can talk about their worries. It is extremely hard to tell someone you feel like crap when you yourself know there is so much more suffering in the world. I knew I had a job, and a family and great friends and you feel horribly guilty for that not being enough to fulfil your happiness when others have nothing. However, I’ve come to terms that we all have our demons and no matter how small they are they can affect us deeply.

I also think it’s important for younger generations to know that sometimes college isn’t the best years of your life. They are tough and students need to be made aware of this. I was so unprepared for the bombshell of adulthood. I was always told that college would be amazing and sometimes it was but it was also mentally draining and difficult. I think it’s no harm to let students know that it will be tough during exams and you can feel lost at times, but you’ll also meet amazing people and have many nights to remember. If I knew the skills I know now to manage my anxiety and negative self talk back in school I may have been able to cope better.

This is why I recently decided to shave off all my hair to raise money for Pieta House – the suicide and self harm prevention charity. They offer free services to those who feel they aren’t coping, as well as a free 24 hour helpline for those who need someone to talk to right away. It’s an amazing service and one I would’ve availed of had I known about them back in the very dark days when I felt I had no one.

I just want people to know it’s ok to feel bad sometimes. I was so confused and embarrassed to have depression but now I talk about it freely. It has made me a more caring and empathic person.

So if you are feeling down know that it does get better but you need to help yourself, and be kind to yourself. Go out in the fresh air, spend time with someone who makes you happy, face your fears, and talk to someone if you need help. Also there’s no shame in talking medication for extra support. I won’t stay on it forever but right now I don’t feel quite ready to come off it. If I had diabetes or epilepsy I wouldn’t be embarrassed to take mediation for them so why should depression and anxiety be any different.

It’s time to break the silence. Let’s all open up about how we feel. I would also highly recommend everyone join Darkness into Light this year. I did my first one in 2016 when I wasn’t feeling good, and seeing all those incredible people out for Pieta House was truly magnificent for me – it made me feel less alone.

If you’d like to support Aoife in her fundraiser, you can donate here, all proceeds to Pieta House.