Aoife Commins shares her personal story of her struggle with anxiety and depression. Aoife is a mental health advocate and is about to do a head shave as a fundraiser for Pieta House. Part 2 will be featured tomorrow.
My first proper experience of anxiety was in 2012. I just finished my leaving cert and the night before I was to go on my post exams holiday I had a panic attack. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to sleep in a foreign country. Seems ridiculous right? This became a massive phobia in my life which I struggled with for years after and to this day it still plays on the back of my mind when I go somewhere new. It sounds like such a silly phobia considering I was never scared to go on holidays or stay away from home before this, yet here I was terrified of the panic attacks I might get in Spain if I didn’t sleep. I went on the holiday anyways and I did sleep after the first 2 nights but when I got home I told myself ‘I’m not doing THAT again!’ And so here began my phobia which took over my life and caused major anxieties and depression for the next 2 years to come.
You see, the thing is, I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I didn’t know what anxiety was, never experienced irrational panic. Depression was a big ugly word we whispered about but no one ever admitted to having. I became terrified. I didn’t know why I felt so miserable and scared all the time. Why I felt so alone.
In September of 2012, I started a PLC in nursing in my hometown because I had just turned 17 and I wasn’t ready to move away yet; my leaving cert points weren’t high enough to study close to home. At this point I had told my parents and a few close friends how I was feeling, but no one really understood. They’d say just say, “stop worrying, you’ll be fine”. I felt so isolated. I just wanted to go back to school. It had been my safe place, where I remember being happy and carefree, surrounded by friends.
Now I just felt scared of the future, I only wanted to crawl back into my past.
That year continued to get worse for me, I don’t remember much of that PLC because I blocked out much of that horribly long year. 2013 always resonates in my mind negatively; it was by far one of the worst years of my life. Thinking back now I had ignored my problems and didn’t ask for help, it was a terrible decision on my part. By August 2013 I had just turned 18 and was waiting to see if I had been accepted to my local university in Galway to study nursing. Sadly I didn’t get accepted on first or second rounds but I was offered a place in Dublin. The thought of moving city to study was by far the most terrifying thing you could’ve asked me to do at that point. This was when it became clear to my parents there was a more serious problem than they anticipated.
I started seeing a psychologist then and what I remember most from her was that she was €90 an hour. If it hadn’t been for my parents I would never have been able to afford it. I didn’t get much relief from these visits and that was my own fault; I didn’t listen to her advice. She told me to push myself and face my fears which I couldn’t do, she told me to exercise and meditate which I didn’t do. I wanted a quick fix and wasn’t happy when she didn’t offer one. All I worried about was how much money I owed my parents for each visit. I still think about how much I owe to my parents and how I’ll repay them in the future.
A few weeks later a miracle happened. I had deferred my offer in Dublin and was falling into a very dark place. One day I broke down in front of my parents and we decided it was time for a visit to my GP. More money, I thought. I was put on an antidepressant and I went about everyday in complete misery waiting for it to kick in.
I remember one morning mid-September my Dad woke me early, I was annoyed at him as sleep was something I worshipped but so rarely got due to my anxieties. Sleep was where I could escape my tortuous thoughts. However this morning my Dad burst into my room exclaiming ‘you got into Nursing in Galway!’ Someone had dropped out and I was next in line for a place. I couldn’t believe how my luck had changed. I stopped taking my medication, I stopped seeing my psychologist, and I fell into the routine of college.
However, the phrase it’s always darkest before the dawn was very much appropriate for me. If anything, I got worse. I used to sit in complete anxiety through lectures not hearing what was being taught but just trying to hold myself together until it was over. Trying to focus on study was torture.
One day will always stand out to me. I was sitting with my new friends and they were begging me to go out that night. At this point in my life I had become anxious about everything and the thought of going out drinking was terrifying. I had refused to join them on every occasion prior to this. I think they were starting to get fed up with me and I felt so low and awful about myself that day. They just wanted to go out with all their friends and I was too ashamed to admit why I couldn’t.
That afternoon I had another breakdown. I sat with my mother, me in floods of tear and her face etched in concern. I’ll always remember what she said to me. ‘I’m really worried Aoife, Are you going to do something stupid?’ and my response was ‘I don’t know’. And I didn’t know. I knew what I wanted to do but I knew I couldn’t. That was my lowest point. Each and every day I was waking up wishing I was dead and going to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up. I thought of ways I could kill myself but I never acted on it because I loved my family too much to hurt them. That was my lifesaver, my incredible parents and I honestly don’t know if I’d be here today if it wasn’t for their amazing support.
I went home that evening and stared in the mirror wishing I could be normal, hating myself for being so weak. I decided if I never faced my fears I’d never get better. Things were only getting worse and I knew something had to change. So that night I dressed up and decided to join my friends on their night out. From the outside I looked like a regular 18 year old, but inside I was dying. Mom wanted me to eat some dinner before I left the house but my anxiety was so severe at that point I could only stomach a few bites.
You see, anxiety and depression are an illness. They may originate in your mind but they have many physical symptoms. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep. Your head throbs, your muscles ache, your stomach burns. You could feel so unwell that it’s nearly physically impossible to pull yourself from bed but you can’t call in sick to work with the excuse ‘I feel anxious today’.
So I pushed myself and went out that night and nothing bad happened. In fact I actually had a good time. I woke up the next day feeling lighter, I had faced my fears. And so I pushed myself again and again to do things that scared me. And just 3 months later I flew over to Australia with my family to visit my sister. An incredible milestone for me.
My anxiety and depression slowly started to lift after that and then began 2014, my favourite year. I was a new person, I started loving nights out and weekends away. I became so comfortable and happy in myself. It was like a whole new life.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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