Friday September 16th 2005 was the last time I set foot in Waterford city centre. Returning from living in Dublin, I was experiencing the early stages of agoraphobia, a condition that would haunt my life like an unrelenting demon for almost 13 years. It left me incarcerated, devoid of confidence, terrified, frustrated and lost. I was house-bound for three years before I finally starting getting back out again around 9 years ago. However, my life was very much restricted, and as such, I still couldn’t do basic, day to day things.
On Friday May 18th, I finally found myself back in the heart of Waterford city. I sat and had a pint in my favourite pub Geoffs after a hellish 13 year sabbatical. It was surreal but ultimately natural. Emotional. I felt like Charlie in the closing scene of The Perks of Being A Wallflower, where he rides the back of a truck, arms spread out, going through a tunnel in New York to the sound of Heroes by David Bowie.
My brother’s wedding is in October and it has been the catalyst for me truly finding my way back to a life. I have missed countless family occasions, and am determined this won’t go the same way.
Together with my reiki instructor, we conducted our own exposure therapy and the results have been life-changing. Exposure therapy isn’t available in Ireland for people with extreme anxiety conditions such as agoraphobia. I plan on fixing that, whatever it may entail. I have been back to Tramore, had lunch with family, have done my own shopping, reunited with dear friends , taken every chance to go wherever I can with my brothers, collected my niece from pre-school and finally began thinking ahead and planning. As one dear friend said to me “it’s your time now”. The support from my family and friends has been incredible and truly appreciated.
And it feels like that. I have work to do but I’m motivated and ready. Ready to get my life back and not care when panic attacks try to derail me. Not worrying what people think or say. Yes – I am the gay agoraphobic. But I’m also a million and one other things. Nice to meet you.
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