It’s now four months since I first started cracking down the 13 year steel wall of agoraphobia that had became constructed around me. It’s been surreal and a whirlwind and a journey that was a very long time coming.
Grateful is how I feel. I couldn’t have foreseen this change in me a year ago. As autumn draws, I can look forward again. Instead of dreading lonely walks with an iPod for company. Seeing how far I can go before the inevitable panic used to wash in and I’d turn for cover. There are still things to be worked on. I’m starting over again which is exciting and scary. At times lonely too. People have moved on , settled into their own domesticity with husbands , wives and children. But I’ve survived all this to know the only thing I need is myself. People have been so warm and genuine when they’ve seen me and been so respectful. When you have a mental health condition and are open about it, you are mindful that you have put it all out there.
But I don’t regret that and am able to see off those who can overstep your personal boundaries with their convoluted seminars. I would advise anyone recovering from any condition to stay respectful to yourself first and tell those who pry too much to mind their own. It’s always important to surround yourself with positivity.
The summer was incredible and being back in town has become second nature. All this new journey is what my brother has dubbed ‘the new normal ‘
I’m ready for my brother’s wedding after missing countless siblings 21st parties. I’ve been able to go back to the cinema with my 4 year old niece. Gone on my first night out in 13 years. I loved every second of it. I felt normal again, out under the night sky again. Instead of cowering away. In a club till the small hours, chipper afterwards and into a taxi, like everyone else. They sound like small things. But to me they were huge things. Being able to wander around the city centre with my mother every Saturday and go for a coffee is something that seemed so far away for so long. But I love that it’s become second nature again.
I am still waiting to receive CBT as is par the course with mental health services in Ireland. A discussion for another time. But, I honestly don’t think I need it. I’ve started going to the gym, an environment that was always alien to me. I chose to do it to get physically fit again but mainly for the head. If I get abs like Finn Balor, then that’s a bonus. I’d much rather be sweating my head off than be stuck in a therapy room trying to tackle imaginary scenarios. I’d rather face those scenarios in real time. And ride it out.
I’m ready to start living again and getting back to working on goals that I had set for myself. There’s a tendency to jump ten steps ahead. But I know I can make plans again and follow through on them. Sure a few things will be slower to get going than others. But battling agoraphobia has helped me to nurture the patience of a saint. All in good time
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