Hello. My name is Lorna and I am writing to share with you some thoughts and feelings that I experience on a regular basis. I really wish this was not the case…….but it is…….and I think it is important to acknowledge it, and not to suppress it. I want to be completely transparent, honest and open…….qualities I am truly drawn to in others. So whilst the below sharing makes for not the most contented reading, it is my truth at the moment. And I am happy to share it with you. Thank you so much for reading. I really do appreciate your time.
I am writing as I feel the need to express this overwhelming presence of negativity and personal attack that I experience consistently in my head. For as long as I can remember, I have felt ill at ease within myself. To look at me, I don’t think you would be aware of the constant onslaught of destructive judgements and crippling anxiety that I experience on a day to day basis. I have kept diaries throughout my life and they all contain the same concerns, worries, fears, regrets, shame, sadness and guilt – I am not good company, I am not intelligent enough, I don’t know enough about current affairs, people don’t like me, I can’t talk properly, I make people feel uncomfortable, Others are so much better at life than I am, I could be doing so much more with my life but I don’t know how. It is unbearable, and in recent months I feel I have been stuck in a very dark place.
I am working. I am exercising. I am eating well. I don’t smoke. I rarely drink. I see a therapist on a weekly basis. Whilst it helps to have someone to talk to, I just don’t know if I have it in me to ever feel happy within myself. Genuinely happy and content. Not caring so much about what other people think of me. Being okay with not talking to people if I don’t feel up to it. Not berating myself after every interaction I do have because I came across badly or I found it really difficult. I think I have, in fact I know I have, social anxiety. I did a 14 week course to help with this. It did help at the time. I was supported by like-minded people.
It has just become so overwhelmingly apparent to me again in the last few months that this low self-esteem and low self-confidence is ever present for me. So much so that I am contemplating medication. I was on anti-depressants for a while a couple of years ago and they did help. I didn’t want to take medication, but I had tried everything else to stave off feeling low that I felt I owed it to myself to have some relief from this otherwise excruciating and crippling pain in my head. I am hesitant to take medication again, but life at the moment is not enjoyable. The colour is gone. The smile is forced. The laugh is not real. The eyes are sad.
I am 35 now. I’m acting as if the best years of my life are over. I teach in a school and I look with envy at the youth all around me. I see young happy bright faces of students with their whole lives ahead of them. I feel like it’s too late for me now. I am getting older and I worry that I have not got what it takes to make a success at life. This depression in my head zaps the energy from me. It’s like I just don’t feel I have what it takes to be good at life. I hate myself. I know that sounds harsh, but really, it is true. I hate how I am. I hate the person I am. I hate how I feel and how I behave. I wish I could just be happy and content with who I am.
It was on my mind to share this. It is all I am thinking about. I had to put words to this. I feel like apologising to everyone I meet – apologising for my inability to communicate successfully and with ease. Apologising to my family, friends, running club members, colleagues at work, people in the gym I attend and just anyone who ever has any reason to communicate with me. But no-one knows. Instead, people might think I am unfriendly, rude, weird, difficult company, awkward, socially withdrawn…but I am all of those things because I find it so difficult and would rather experience the difficulty alone than have to face it with people.
Thank you for your time in reading this piece. Someone out there might feel the same, and as a result, feel less alone. On reading this piece back, it paints a pretty grim picture…but I don’t want to shy away from being completely honest. For a long time, I have kept a lot of these thoughts and feelings inside. But I feel I want to share now and connect with people. Because I really do believe that by being honest and open…we are our true raw, vulnerable and beautiful selves. It’s okay not to feel 100% at times. And it’s okay to say it. In fact, it’s good to say it and to acknowledge it. Just like you would acknowledge a migraine or an inured hamstring. A weary and tired soul is no different. Light does emerge. But it’s only by going through that tunnel that you will get to that chink of brightness at the other side…and rest in gentle hope……that light does and will emerge……even though it may not feel like it.
Thanks again so much for reading. I really do appreciate it, and I hope you found some comfort and assurance that you are not alone.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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