With all of the great talk about Pieta House and breaking the mental health stigmas right now I thought it would be productive to write a brief piece about my experience with depression. I am currently on a course of anti-depressants and it is such a relief to be able to say that without being self-conscious about it.
Everyone I see sharing stuff about this, especially the ones who have not experienced it who are taking time out of their lives to try to understand it are just amazing. It is this awareness that made me feel it was okay to investigate my illness and try to fix it, so it really is such a productive thing and well done to all of you.
I tried to tackle my depression through therapy, I did 8 months of it. I really wanted to beat it without medication but unfortunately it just wasn’t happening. Therapy made me aware of why I feel this way, aware of the “triggers” (hate that word in this context) that cause me to drop into an illogical state of self-loathing. Being aware is absolutely a good thing and important, but it just couldn’t stem the flow of negative chatter in my mind.
Imagine voices in your head reminding you of every failure, embarrassing situation or shortcoming in your life. You try to sit down and pick one to say to yourself “Hey man, don’t worry about that” – but there’s so many that you can’t even pick one to begin with. Overwhelmed by constant negativity it is a massive chore to just get up and clean your dirty clothes, make yourself a bite to eat. The sense of self-loathing so large that part of me resented doing these things for myself because I felt I wasn’t worth it.
Your own mind is conditioned to believe that you are worthless – and for me this was set in stone from a very young age. It’s down to certain circumstances that occurred in a critical stage of my developing brain and is nobody’s fault, it’s just how my brain processed it. When a belief system is in place, it is brutally hard to change it. This belief system led to me making poor decisions and react to situations in ways that were not good for me. It also led me to remain in an environment that wasn’t good for me, a vicious circle that eventually took its toll. I have to stress I don’t blame anyone for this, I am who I am and I need to find what’s right for me and that is what I am doing.
I would be one of those people you would wonder why in the world he is depressed. I have a loving family and I wanted for nothing. My mother was there for me all my life, her undying love was never a doubt in my mind, I wish I had half of her strength.
Even through the process of therapy I didn’t realise I was depressed and didn’t want to consider that I was a depressed person. However, I was willing to try the medication. A stark realisation that I truly was depressed was when my GP asked if I had considered suicide. My response was that I could not do that to my then girlfriend and family. He then said “take them out of the picture – would you do it now?” and I sat there silently for two minutes. I would have, and the thought that I could do that made me feel relieved. It was like a fantasy that I could end it and this would all go away. So straight onto the medication I went, and for the first time I realised how critical this situation was – I was quite disturbed at my reaction to his question. I read other people’s stories on A Lust for Life and I read that they feel they can’t breathe and are so exhausted they cannot move. This makes me feel like there are very different severities for this condition and I am luckily on the milder side of things. I could always dust myself off and go and put on a fake happy face and socialise, for example. However, this complete careless attitude to my very own existence was alarming.
Different things work for different people but my god I cannot explain how much medication has helped in my situation. The medication to me is a godsend. It just completely filters out all negativity and replaces it with a positive focus that to me was completely alien. I liked myself for the first time in years. I stopped caring about the things that I was not and focused on what I was. I realised that I had so much to be hopeful for, and proud of. It was so empowering.
Frankly, I’d like to quip that if you take the ingredients of a daily dose of SSRI anti-depressant medication and the human digestive system, wait 6-8 weeks.. et voila! A pair of human testicles. I could stand up for myself, and it felt good. This sense of self-respect I felt was unusual to me but more than welcome. I feel there is a lack of respect for the medication because you’d often hear of some GP’s handing them out like skittles – but at this moment in time they are invaluable for me to get on with my life. It might seem like I am giving up and just banking on the pills for happiness but you have to understand the clarity and contentment they have provided me. I am, for the first time that I can remember, truly happy in my own skin.
My therapist told me something very profound about my situation, it was that the child inside me is frozen in a state of trauma, and the child is still pulling all the strings when it comes to my day to day life. If there is something that is perceived as a potential risk then the child will reject it. Adult life involves risk with every major decision you make in your personal and professional life. With the medication it felt like the child was quietened and the adult could take control, which is the way it should be. The medication gave me a sense of control that I had never felt up to this point and had never thought possible.
Whilst working in the UK last year I tried to come off them by myself but unfortunately by Christmas (about 2 months of no medication) I had regressed to my old frame of mind which was a disappointing reminder that I am not ready yet and I still need their support. This year I want that confidence to be with me whilst I travel and see the world so I am back on them again. I shouldn’t feel ashamed about it because it’s a solution that works for now and later on I can worry about weaning off them, maybe with more therapy to support that process.
If this sounds familiar to you, don’t be afraid to seek help. Don’t be afraid to let it all out and don’t be afraid to change your life if it is not good for you. This is my situation and everyone is different so explore all your options. Therapy helped me accept myself and my shortcomings, and the medication has given me the kick start I needed to enjoy the rest of my sadly diminishing youth. I wasted far too much of it sitting in the dark, don’t wait around and get the help you need.
The healing process will be a long journey and maybe the black dog will never fully heal but each year seems to be getting better and better. With renewed confidence and hope for the future I am in a good place right now and I am looking forward to whatever life may bring.
Be good to yourself x
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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