Becoming self-aware and the long term effects of anti-depressant medication on my mind

This article contains the personal account of the writer, and no two people’s experiences will be alike when it comes to mental health and what works for them. While it is important to share people’s personal negative or mixed experiences with antidepressant medication, its also important to remember that for many people, it is a lifeline. A Lust for Life strongly recommends anyone who is considering altering medication to consult with their doctor before making any changes. Stopping certain medications can have side effects which should be managed with the support of your doctor.

I am writing this in addition to a piece I previously wrote about mental health (link here) as I feel there is a bit more I should say. What I wrote previously is an incomplete picture of my journey through this, its just a bit too simplistic from where I stand now and without touching on these additions I think I am doing an injustice to the reasons why I shared it in the first place. Long story short – I was suffering mentally and saw a therapist for a number of months and then went on medication which I felt really helped at the time.

I write from a position where I am no longer on medication and its changeable efficacy during the period of time whilst I was on it is the primary reason why I have decided to write this. Now as we all know mental illness in the domain of depression and anxiety is subjective and for this reason I can only speak about its effect on me alone. The wish and hope I have for writing things like this is that someone somewhere has a similar mental framework as myself and can apply the situation to themselves or use it as a vague guideline. I have come this far so there is no harm in keeping the conversation open.

The viewpoint I shared about medication previously is a bit too simplistic and currently I believe that medication isn’t really valid as a long term solution for me. It was very useful as a tool to deal with the onslaught of negative feeling at a very traumatic transition period of my life and if I had to go back I would accept that prescription again, absolutely, but I need to talk about the nuances and fluctuations I went through as I was on the medication for a period of time of almost 4 years and I think to keep it as simple as “Hey I took medication and now I’m happy” might be a little bit dangerous considering what I experienced. Of course its not that simple, when is anything as a human being as simple as that.

I was on the medication for almost two years then quit it abruptly, then went back on the medication again for 1 year and 9 months and then quit it again but this time reducing dosage amounts slowly. So on both occasions when the medication began to work I noticed an upsurge in mental well being and confidence, its nothing majorly dramatic – its quite subtle – but its there, and coming from a position of being quite low its a pretty powerful feeling. Confidence is high and I felt I had a clear image of myself and how I could express myself. However on both occasions I noticed a gradual decline in these feelings and even though I was taking the same daily dosage it became hard to know how much the medication was working. I liken it to lying out on an inflated mattress in a pool in the sunshine and then the sun going behind the clouds and the air slowly seeping out of the mattress and you notice cold water slowly leaking up onto the mattress below your weight. In both occasions I noticed that my brain would slowly default to my original state, which unfortunately, is sometimes a tendency towards melancholy and low self esteem. Its disappointing, seeing what you could be and to feel it slowly fall from your fingertips. When I finished with the medication on the second instance there was literally no difference between what I felt 2 months before quitting and after, and I actually cannot tell when that change occurred. There was an obvious spike in anxiety, irritation and low moods right at the point where the medication let go and began to channel serotonin naturally, but after this small roughly 2 week transition it was fine. So I must stress that this is how medication affected me and only me and should not be read as a general guidebook to what will happen to everybody.

The difference between when I quit the medication this time and the last time is the level of self compassion I have. There is an enormous difference as to how I feel about myself this time compared to the last time. I know myself a lot more and I know how I used to react to things and I have accepted how I contributed to ending up in a bad situation. So this might sound a bit silly and makes me sound like a malfunctioning robot but its a useful analogy, my brain intercepts auditory or visual stimuli and these messages have to proceed through a network in my brain that has been constructed in a certain way that is related to the accumulation of my experiences from when I was a child to right now in this moment. Trauma from a young age has resulted in my network being just a little bit too convoluted and erratically shaped and sometimes the messages hit off the edges resulting in a little pain and sadness. As a result its, sometimes in certain situations, easy for me to receive a message and feel threatened, and again just in certain situations I can be in a state of anxiety and hyper vigilance as I expect to receive these hurtful feelings. Unfortunately all of this bunched together resulted in me behaving in a way where I wouldn’t confront my own feelings because of the insecurity and pain I would feel when I did. This resulted in a lot of actions that involved leaving myself behind and placating others to avoid confrontation, often I would react to difficult situations badly and this pattern of behaviour also left me very exposed to manipulation and abuse. An important lesson for me was to understand and identify this pattern of behaviour to avoid making the same mistakes again.

I attribute to finding myself in this better position by expressing my sadness and frustration to those closest to me, seeking professional help and changing my environment. Therapy did help but there were certain facets of my situation that couldn’t be truly addressed as the person didn’t have the specific knowledge or insight to do so, however it was a very important step towards becoming self aware and accepting myself. Medication did help but only temporarily and I know if I didn’t change my life and remove influences that were problematic for my mind then I would be right back to where I started when the medications efficacy began to reduce. It was a useful tool to help me when I really needed it but not in the long run. In the long run its the change of lifestyle and environment that keeps me in a good mindset. Its easy to just say the word ‘change’ – but this change involved denying myself aspects of life that were intertwined with my identity and when I didn’t have these I felt like I had nothing. It left me empty and alone and it was terrifying – but it was necessary in order a rebuild a healthier self. It was during that period where I felt that my identity had been torn away is where I was extremely grateful for the cushioning that the medication was providing at the time. Allowing myself the space to truly reflect on who I am, having done some therapy and having a clear mind thanks to medication I slowly rebuilt a more aware and compassionate self and the time spent doing so was well worth it, it has been more valuable to me than anything I could ever purchase or achieve in a career.