I thought when I was seven years old that my life was going to be pretty perfect. I was into Walt Disney Cartoons and all things that simulated perfection in life. I was a girl who didn’t see difference or race or see anything wrong at that time. Growing up as an 80s baby looked pretty good till I could see the cracks to my humble beginnings. This was enough to take me to my ‘edges of life’.
My parents from the east – a Hong Kong father and a Vietnamese mother, they worked ridiculously hard to rear myself and my siblings – but sometimes just sometimes I think I reared myself. Who knew ‘growing pains’ wasn’t just a term for our physical changes but also our mental changes and challenges. And that the pains would live in my mind for decades before I escaped my own mental road blocks and self-inflicted torture.
I wanted to be a primary school teacher, my ex-teacher Ms Mc Evitt was the doppelganger of the sound of music actress Julie Andrews. She was kind and smart like Julie and created a lot of fun in her teaching… and you just knew she was a beautiful human being. Dressed in her pleated skirts and little cardigans, the Miss Honey of all teachers, she was my idol. I have held onto her for 30 years because I am a teacher now. But not the traditional one.
I was my own teacher and student of life. I have a degree in Art and Design education but my growing pains made me see more and feel more and had made me really awkward and confused. I wasn’t a full time teacher in a classroom setting, but life had its way of pulling me into roles where being human was a basic understanding and need for me to be a Resident Trainer for Ireland with my ex-company. But at that time, I had a lot of bullying happen by an ex colleague who was senior to me and it spiralled me into my second wind of depression and pain and tears and of unworthiness. Why me why me why me? What did I do to deserve this? This constant fight in my mind and also battle with reality was causing me to become severely damaged.
Who am I? Who is this Judy Wong person? I was quiet, painfully shy, a dreamer, a sharer and a giver. I threw myself into becoming a great actress, covering up my fears of social awkwardness, I would never have an opinion. I fell in love with countless men who used me and never fell in love with me back. I was a shell of myself. I didn’t feel smart or recognise my creativity as my outlet in life. As a little girl I was practicing escapism… and right up till i turned 30 I tried to stay on stage and act and hide my true self but from what?
My family was under tough circumstances and had a few hurdles in life. Dad was depressed and under pressure with work and having such a big family, mom was unhappy with a man she didnt love nor loved her in the way she needed. And there was four of us to feed. I never knew how life affects you in so many ways, especially subconsciously. Even your parents wont know the gravity of their actions would have a repercussion on us all.
I never knew how someone felt about suicide until my dad tried to take his own life and write to us his goodbye letter. I can still remember the tears and the shock and reading it not understanding why killing himself was his only option. He didn’t die of an overdose, and I was over whelmed with emotions and not understanding this situation must have made a big impression in my subconscious mind. By 12 or 13 I felt very much like giving up too.
Being the eldest in my family was so hard for me, especially being responsible for everyone’s actions including my own it really felt too much pressure and I was done with getting in trouble for faults that didn’t belong to me. Families can be tough going too. And no one could explain to me my feelings or why being the eldest was tough. I was constantly crying and so sensitive. Like I said i was a quiet child and pretty well behaved – I don’t know what possessed my thoughts to think about killing myself but as an adult now, I recognise the “monkey see monkey do” action. Without my realisation, I was depressed at an early age from not having a voice or someone to talk things through with. I was trying to follow my dad’s steps (sadly it was my option). The young are so impressionable. Being a parent is a hugely responsible role to play. After making a logical reason to not kill myself at 13 (the excuse being that my little bro and little sisters needed me, I dropped my thoughts of death and suicide, till it would come back to me again and again over the next few years).
First it was suicide, then it was depression, it was attention seeking, and stealing and it really kept at me. My ego set out to destroy me instead of piece me together. I went from Bulimic at 19 to over weight when I was 24. I was overly sexual. I didn’t love or value myself and the mask went on to hide my charades and my Scarlet O’Hara ways. I was an absolute jekle and hyde. One minute as good and sweet and innocent to the next, being a secretive and provocative and messed up person. Clearly those actions were not right. There was no consistency with me.
I was messed up…Do I blame my parents? I had for a long long time in my mind. I didn’t get enough loved enough or affection. I didn’t get enough attention or kindness. I felt lonely and couldn’t express myself to my parents…I felt trapped. Trapped by my status of being the eldest. Of appearing perfect for social standards and cultural standards. It was all weighing too heavily on me. I felt all alone in the world. Me against the whole world. It was exhausting me. The depression and anxiety and stress deteriorating my light in my soul. But now I am happier and have no need to blame anyone. I control the change in myself and my perspectives and there has been less and less acting and more the real Judy coming through.
No one explains how anxiety can control you as a small person changing into my teens and how to deal with it when it arrives on your doorstep. Now that is why I am who I am today, I see the world from different lenses including yours. I want to see life from all angles and I want to live a happy life with genuine smiles and have a drama free life.
Look I have had my fair share of fears and worries and blunders. Even my sexual assault in Canada didnt stop me from wanting to become an authentic person. I was sure that this struggle would release me of my fears if I changed my attitude towards how I would view my life and it did. I still hadn’t love myself for all of my 20s and you do wonder a lot about who you are and what defines you. Growing up in my 20s there was a lot of ego to figure out and my ego wasn’t my best friend… who needed enemies when mine lived in my mind. But I still tackled my mind set with constant battles of my ego being stronger than me and winning at making me feel I wasn’t good enough, or I was not equal to other’s or that I was not a gifted artist and makeup artist and that people did enjoy me and my presence.
I will tell you this though – DO speak up. If I didn’t let people know all my secrets, how was I, Judy Wong going to connect with people of all ages and races and sexes on a humanitarian way. I said in an interview for Humans of Dublin about my assault that I would not be a victim. I posed the question about the human race – what are we racing for? I don’t see race or colour or differences. All I see is that we are all Equal. Equal beings walking on an unequal surfaces.
It’s ok to fucking cry if you want to, it’s ok to laugh if you need to… darnit it’s even ok to fart. It is ok to be vulnerable and weak. But live every fucking second and minute like it was your Last. You are allowed to have feelings, it is part of you. Just be mindful of your every moment and vibes, this could be your last. I live every day now without any regrets and have said all my sorrys for my wrong doings, I won’t die without making sure that I trust in god and trust in all the abundance he has for me. It has taken me several months of counselling (and it works to speak to a professional) to get back on track with my mindset and to recognise the mistakes and achievements I’ve lived out my life to practice living in an authentic way.
The truth sets me free. And never worry about yourself. I want everyone including the people who think I am against them to know that just because I don’t care about them doesn’t mean I dont wish them well. I want them to be happy and live a life filled with an abundance of joy and peace. Your mental wellness in any industry in every family dynamic is so important. If you are sick you go to the doctor, if your body needs a boost it goes to the gym, so of the mind and soul feel unstable than speaking to a professional counsellor will release your trauma and anxiety and stress.
REMEMBER – One minute you are born, and the next you are dead, there is no contract on your life – so make your INBETWEEN COUNT.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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