Not letting your illness own you

Content warning: this article contains descriptions of disordered eating and suicidal ideation.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, to the point where I remember having a panic attack in the school yard (I could not have been more than eight at this time) and running out of the school grounds and all the way home with a feeling of dread that could not be explained. I remember knocking on my front door and my mother’s shocked face to see me on the other side. I could not explain why I ran or was so fearful but I knew home was a safe place for me and that’s where I ran to.

I was bullied throughout school and there were some issues at home I cannot discuss because that’s not my story to tell. The bullying was not anything physical, in that sense I was lucky. I was threatened regularly and I was constantly looking over my shoulder for someone to follow through with their threat. My appearance was relentlessly taunted because to deal with my emotions I ate so I was quite a big kid.  This continued all the way up until I left school and even long after that. When I was sixteen the bullying had got worse as not only were the usual people mocking and threatening me but people I thought were my friends joined them and spread rumours to tear down my reputation at this stage I was so broken I had completely lost my voice. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself and there were too many people to piss off if I tried, so to avoid being physically assaulted I kept my mouth shut. Home was no longer a safe haven for me as cyber bullying had just come into play. Again people I had trusted and stood by through their torments had thrown me into the firing line to save themselves. There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep or didn’t sleep at all. I will admit that I had thought of taking my own life more times than I could count and at the time I thought of myself as a coward for not being able to do it.

I got Ill a lot I was constantly sent home from school sick or been absent, I always seemed to have unforgiving headaches, constant nausea and the feeling I was going to pass out. The doctors checked me for anaemia and other causes all came back negative of course it was all in my head. Of course then everyone including my so called friends believed I was faking it for attention. My self-esteem plummeted more when I start dating and got into nothing but toxic relationships. I have had a lot of emotional and mental abuse from past boyfriends. I always thought it was me that was the problem I was so ugly they could not even fess up to being with me or tried to change me. One of my worst encounters, bullied me continuously about my weight, my hair colour, the way I dressed etc. I was constantly compared to my friends, I was the ugly one they were much prettier than I was, I should be more like them, so I changed. I dyed my hair which was always blonde to a very dark brown, I stopped eating and start abusing laxatives to shed the weight I can tell you I ate only one packet of snax (99 calories in a packet) a day and nothing else. I had no energy, I felt horrible in myself and that’s when I start getting compliments on my appearance. For the first time ever I was being told I looked good and it made staying away from food that much easier.

That relationship obviously ended badly and with the help of a friend I start eating again and stopped abusing laxatives. I was out of school, away from the bullies and had nothing but the voices in my head telling me how worthless I was regularly so when it came to having a few drinks with the girls on a weekend, I went overboard. I self-medicated with alcohol, I drank until I felt nothing, until the voices stopped, to the point I blacked out a lot. This went on for years.

I cleaned up my act and got rid of every toxic person in my life including my so called friends. I worked my ass off to jump up the ranks in work and I climbed pretty quickly. I was sober, I was happy, and finally in a relationship where I was being treated right and that’s when it hit. I had been a newlywed, married less than three months when the mother of all breakdowns decided to not just kick down the door but rip the side of the house off to let herself in. I was having constant flashbacks of past events, back to suffering regular headaches, nausea etc. I lost count of the amount of panic attacks I had in store the weeks leading up to the breakdown but I remember the day it happened. I had been up all night the night before, I had told my husband I wasn’t feeling very well but I went in regardless. I was putting stock to shelf only an hour into my shift when that same sense of dread came over me. I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking and convinced my legs were about to give out from under me. I quickly signalled to the manager to follow me in the back and I completely broke down. I could not stop crying and I could not explain why. I was frightened for my life. My husband came and collected me from store and brought me to the doctors where I continued to cry the entire time. I was signed out of work and for about two months I slept twelve hours a day and I was still exhausted and sleeping more though the day. I didn’t look after myself and again thoughts of taking my life crept up on me. It was then my husband found a notebook I had scribbled in for weeks prior and convinced me to start typing it out into a short story to keep me distracted. I did just that, but that notebook full of scribbles turned into a book which led to a series being written.

My first book was published on the 31st January 2019. I used my pain to my advantage, turned my mental illness into fictional monsters and got accepted by a publisher in my first ever attempt. I will be fighting with my illness for life, it is not something that will just disappear but for the first time in my life I refused to let it win, I chose to fight back and in the midst of my breakdown I discovered 13 reasons why. It hit home hard but also put things into prospective for me. If I had done what I set out to do when I was sixteen and took my life, I never would have found my husband, had my beautiful son who is my reason for doing everything and fighting back every time against that voice in my head that tells me I am worthless and that my family would be better off without me. I wanted to share my story to show people that no matter how bad your situation it does get better. If you find anything you love fight to continue to do it, if it’s painting, cooking, music, writing anything at all use your passion to fight your illness. Most importantly talk to somebody. I am still here not because of my own strength but because of the few people who never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. You are enough, you are unique, you are not like everyone else because you are someone that nobody else can be and that is you. If God wanted us all to be alike he would have made us all sheep. Be You, Be weird, be quirky and if anybody has a problem with that, that’s on them. Do not let your happiness lie in the hands of others, I did and it nearly killed me. I am twenty eight now, it took me this long to have the confidence to be myself and to find my voice again after so many years as a mute.

Help information

If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.

• Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
• Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
• Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)

If you are suffering with an eating disorder, please get the help you deserve and contact bodywhys.ie or find a counsellor to talk to in your local area:

• iacp.ie
• iahip.org
• counsellingdirectory.ie