Picture this, circa July 2016 I’m in a London pub near Victoria Station. The pub is run by a friend of mine, an old boss in fact. But he’s not there. I’m sat at a table near an entrance. I’ve borrowed a phone charger. I’ve a pint of lager in front of me, I don’t even drink lager but it’s there in front of me. My charging phone is buzzing but I ignore it. Hi I’m Shane Reid and that was me in the midst of a serious mental health breakdown. I was just a few weeks shy of my 37th Birthday.
What had I done, well to be honest there are bits I generally can’t remember but as I write this personal story I can’t help but feel a sense of shame. Ultimately I had stolen a few hundred pounds from my (now ex) partner, I had gone to Victoria station bought a single bus ticket for Southampton and was of the idea of getting a live/in pub job, I’d send money back to my ex to repay her and all would be tickedy boo. When I think about it, I think what the frack. What was going through my mind at the time I don’t know. But I was sick, far sicker than I even knew. To cut a long story short I eventually went to my sisters in east London and I came home to Ireland.
Being back was tough. Here I was back in Ireland without the proverbial pot to pee in. Living with my folks who are in their seventies. My parents are my heroes by the way. I knew I’d hurt them, it wasn’t the first time but like they always did they stuck by me. Even when i messed up 6 months into my recovery their support remained and remains unwavering. If I could bottle the love I have for my parents and sell it the world would be a happier place.
I’ve read countless testimonies and blogs about mental illness, I’ve seen and learned about problems similar to mine. You learn so much when your in recovery. Indeed when you read so much it can in a sense become quite overwhelming. Being diagnosed and having a mental illness is tough to take on. I guess with initial diagnosis in London I didn’t quite grasp the enormity of what was wrong. Did what I always did, brushed it under my imaginary problems carpet in the hope it would go away.
It’s scary starting off, I remember going to my GP, getting my anti depressant medication sorted. My blood pressure wasn’t great so I had to get pills for that too. But I’ll never forget the sense of fear when my GP gave me a letter of an appointment with a psychologist in Longford. On the letter the psychologist address was St Loman’s in Mullingar County Westmeath. Now to me St Lomans was, and forgive the language, a nuthouse. I had this almost Hollywood type image of it. Straight out of Awakenings or One flew over the cuckoos nest. I did of course realise this was just a postal address but I guess my own stigma of mental illness had left this ingrained thought in my head.
I’m not going to beat around the bush here but the services in Ireland can be severely lacking at times, more so in 2016. I waited from July 2016 to March 2017 before I got to see a HSE psychologist.I needed some assistance some outlet to help me so while doing a web search I came across Grow Ireland. If you don’t know Grow is a Peer to Peer group meeting set up organised and run by people who have experienced mental illness. It’s based on the Alcohol Anonymous principles and has been an absolute godsend to me. It gave me the opportunity to speak openly about my problems without the fear of being judged and it gave me the opportunity to listen and learn from others with similar experiences to mine.
Going weekly to Grow meetings has given me the confidence to get my life back on track. Going to a psychologist regularly has helped no end as my behaviour and thought process are challenged but sitting and listening to my peers, becoming a basic human being again has really helped me regain a sense of balance in my life.
I suppose then I sort of had a eureka moment in the last year or so , if I’m going to tackle this problem then I need to embrace it, learn about it and, without trying to sound too hippy like, become one with it. We’ve all heard the line ‘knowledge is power’ and in my opinion never a truer line spoken when it comes to mental illness. I’ve since joined three mental health organisations on a voluntary basis offering my own personal experience input. I’m part of the rebirth so to speak of Longford Mental Health Association (now Mental Health Longford), I’ve organised Walk and Talk events on the awareness of Mental Health Stigma and I will be attending a Social Care and Counselling Skills course in September.
I think learning off my peers, and of course the professionals, has lead me to embrace my condition. I had let my life get out of control, but I’ve been afforded the opportunity to recover. I think you have to embrace it, to learn about the ins and outs of mental illness because the more you know about it the more you can learn how to tackle it. I’m a firm believer the more mainstream mental illness becomes, the more we talk about it, and I mean talking about it on the same level we talk about as a broken bone, or heart disease etcetera as i believe it’ll demonstrate to people how common it is and perhaps normalise it in peoples minds and hopefully stories like my own will show people that you can confront it, and live with it and with the help of god recover from it.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
- GROW 1890 474 474 for details of your nearest meeting
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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