Growing up Anxiety was our normal. Both my mother and father suffered from it along with their own traumas and in my father’s case addiction to alcohol. Each day our home was in fight mode. You were in constant anticipation of what could happen or in most cases you were trying to calm the last storm. From a very young age I took the role as parent and would stay awake each night awaiting everyone to go to bed. Most nights I slept in just a daydream as I was afraid something would happen if I fell into a deep sleep.
As I got older I never seen that anxiety was an issue, but what I found very difficult, was to be happy. It was something that I was very unfamiliar and uncomfortable with as it wasn’t something that I experienced enough to know how I should feel in those circumstances. Strangely I was a lot more content with a feeling of isolation, anxiety and depression. That was my comfort zone.
When I was 15yrs old I moved out of home as I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept properly in years and I was working in a hotel and nightclub all week and getting up early for school. I couldn’t have it all so I decided to reside in the hotel that I was working in as much as allowed. I would work 17hr days on my days off school. I was so accustomed to the constant rush feeling as a child that it didn’t seem to bother me.
As I grew older I started to see patterns of constant over achieving, falling into relationships that didn’t suit me and the depression was taking an effect on my wellbeing. I started to educate myself on why I felt this way and how I would become happy so I resumed counselling. I would of previously attending counselling as a young teen due to self-harming and attempted suicide.
It took me in total 10 years to finally get to a place where I completely understood my past and could look at my life with fresh eyes as if it was my chance to start again. I went to a counsellor and she spoke about self-care. As a child that had no idea at all about self-care and then into adulthood I had never looked after myself at all aside from the self-help I was giving myself through mental health therapies. I hadn’t looked at other areas such as time out, meditation, exercise, beauty etc.
She opened a whole new aspect to my life and this was definitely the point where I know I was on the road to becoming who I wanted to be. I started getting dressed and went for 5 minute walks every day. Then the walks got longer and I started running. My running each day then had a knock on to my diet and I started to eat better. I lost weight, which ironically I didn’t care about, but I felt better dressing up and looking after myself in all ways. I felt strong when I walked for a long distance or ran. I daydreamed more and started to open up a picture of what I wanted my life to be like that and slowly these things started to happen.
Now, self-care is not an item on a list. It is something I do every day to check in with myself. My anxiety is manageable and I can’t remember when I was depressed. I am able to forgive the past in a nice way and not hold anger or resentment.
I have tonnes of tools that I can use now with very little effort to feel good. I journal (I made my own journal last year), I meditate, practice mindfulness in almost everything I do, I educate myself in all areas of my life that excite me.
I own my own business and every day in involves inspiring others to do more that I have learnt in the hopes that they will attend professional help so they can live a life with more happy and calm days and manage their mental health challenges proactively.
I am doing now what that 10 year old child thought was impossible and I love everyday….bad days to as they teach me so much.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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