Growing up I had a distant and hard relationship with my father. My mum held the fort and did all the work for the family whilst my dad took the easy route and picked and chose when to see his children. It left me broken, as from age 7 onwards, I tried to force a conventional relationship with my dad… but it never worked. It has ruined other relationships and friendships due to my lack of trust and insecurities caused by my dad walking in and out of my life.
Everyone has expectations for how their parents, family and role models should be but what happens if they don’t meet the criteria? I come from a home of separation and not being around both parents at all times but I can’t change that. I also come from a home where my mother has practically raised my siblings and I, but in comparison to her we have a lacklustre father.
Growing up I always blamed myself for my Dad not taking much interest; was I not fun enough? Were my stories not interesting enough? Did he just prefer my brothers and sisters? It took years for me to accept that I am never going to have a normal relationship with my Dad. It also took me years to realise that my lack of trust, lack of compassion and my lack of security in people came back to the one relationship with my father but how did it affect my relationships with everyone around me? I had my support system; close friends and family but why was I still not satisfied?
I wasn’t satisfied because no matter how hard I tried, my dad would have a new interest, a stronger relationship with one of my siblings or had a new girlfriend he had to occupy. I spent copious nights lying awake wondering why I wasn’t good enough for my own Dad? Why he doesn’t have time to call or text? Or why my Dad wasn’t my role model anymore? It broke my heart, and it still does to see little girls running around with their dads, laughing with their dads, playing with their dads and having a normal relationship with their dads.
I asked myself a question – ”what do I have to change for him to like me?” and then something clicked in my mind. I had been waiting years for him to turn around and for me and him to catch up on the time missed but I hadn’t been looking at it realistically. I hadn’t looked at everything I have, the work my mum was doing, the efforts my siblings were making to make me feel like I belonged in the family, the choices my friends were making to put me first some days because they knew I felt undervalued. I never thought about everyone else supporting me, rooting for me, caring for me and most importantly loving me when I needed them the most.
I let one relationship in my life determine my relationships with everyone and it resulted in isolation, anxiety, sleepless nights, low self-esteem and not trusting anyone around me. I never appreciated what I had properly… because I was too busy thinking about what I ‘could’ have. It taught me that you need to stop longing for things you can’t change and that you can’t change the people around you. You can change your outlook, you can change your attitude towards it… but you don’t change yourself for someone that won’t even take heed.
No matter how people treat you, you are worthy of love, you are worthy of happiness and you are worthy of a good life and nothing will get in the way.
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