When life feels like quicksand

“We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope” – Martin Luther King Jr 

I achieved a few small goals lately. What a wonderful feeling to achieve any goal! It doesn’t matter if you are two or eighty-two, achieving something—anything—is just magic! When things are going right—no matter how big or small—we feel like we could walk on water, but when we face disappointment, it is like sinking into quicksand.

Everyone faces challenges at various stages of their lives. Challenges lead to positive and negative outcomes. Therein lies another challenge, accepting disappointment. Accepting disappointment is a lifelong challenge.

We all experience disappointment. I will be disappointed. I will disappoint. You will be disappointed. You will disappoint. Life will disappoint at times. In the present time, we have a world full of disappointment. As a pandemic rages on and normal every day continues to be disrupted, it’s totally normal to experience feelings of disappointment. There’s so much we can’t control, but there are ways to manage what is in our control. Having a well-honed survival plan at the ready to deal with subsequent feelings of disappointment can help.

The next time you face disappointment, pay attention to how you react. Do you beat yourself up? Get mad or sulk? Blame yourself or other people? Do you immediately think you are the unluckiest person on the planet? No matter what you are feeling, whether it’s disappointment or anger or down right disillusionment, it is important to feel what we feel and have healthy ways to deal with strong emotions.

Permission to feel

Nobody wants to feel crappy. Negative feelings are much harder to deal with than happy smiley ‘let’s do a jig round the kitchen’ feelings, and harder to show, too. Society demands that we default on the happy emotions. Our loved ones and colleagues expect us to be upbeat. If we seem distanct or grumpy, we may be asked “What’s wrong?” or “Is everything okay?” Often we downplay such questions with “I’m fine,” or “It’s nothing,” even if it is everything, In reality, especially when something is truly upsetting, we do ourselves a disservice by hiding feelings of sadness, anger, or fear. Perhaps we feel we need to be strong or on top of things, or we don’t want to be whining or upsetting or worrying others, so we slip on our ‘it’s ok, I’m fine’ mask, regardless of our true feelings.

However, when stressful emotions stack up inside, two things are likely to happen. Either we shut down or explode because feelings have not been expressed. In the long run, we are better off discovering healthy ways to enable us to express the full range of emotions. Most of us, when stressed, usually need space. It’s unwise to approach anyone who is feeling a heightened sense of anger or frustration. Also, none of us like to be lectured or dismissed when we are emotional. Realising this can help us respond better to others and to our ourselves by being mindful of what we need during times of disappointment. In a fraught moment, saying something like, “I understand you’re feeling ______. I’m feeling ________.” Doing so ensures that no one leaves the conversation feeling like their emotions have been dismissed as unimportant.

Get real.

Nothing beats being real with our emotions, then everyone else gets to be real too. Confide in a good friend, someone you trust. Communication with friends, family or even a stranger can give you a whole new perspective about your disappointment. From another viewpoint, we can get much-needed clarity and see things for what they really are, rather than how you feel about them. Acknowledging that emotions, positive and negative, are worth sharing is the first step toward figuring out when and where to express them.

Get it out.

This is about finding ways that work for you to help you get rid of pent-up stressful energy and to enable you to express your emotions in healthy ways. Healthy options may include, walking, meditating, running, singing, journaling, talking, praying, writing, drawing, dancing, or turning your attentions to some activity that you love that will immerse your mind until you are ready to address any issues around the disappointment. Observe your emotions without judging or attempting to fix or change how you feel, but don’t let negative thoughts fester. It is wise to address and resolve them as soon as we are able. It may be unpleasant, but awareness will help you accept it is only a feeling.

View life with a wide-angle lens.

Try not to look at disappointment as punishment or to keep you down. Disappointment can put things into perspective. It can help us remember what really matters. Disappointment leads to acceptance if we let it. The initial disappointment may be a shock, a disaster, the end of everything, but gradually it can become a gift, a blessing, a time you will look back at and think, ‘Yeah, I wanted things different, but here I am now. I have survived and I will survive again.

Learn to accept things just as they are.

At the heart of change lies acceptance. As soon as you accept your reality, you remove a lot of stress and will enable you to become resourceful and positive again. Like breath, disappointment comes and goes. Breathe into the difficult moments and stay in the present moment. Eckhart Tolle wrote a whole book on “the power of now.” Let go of “If only…” and “Why?” and “I should have…” Stay in the “Now.”

Know when to seek professional help.

Sometimes, you might need a helping hand in getting over disappointment. You can have a wonderful support network, but if it’s still not enough, seek professional help. A mental health professional can help you cope and see the light at the end of the tunnel. It may be only a glimmer at first, but over time, a new light will dawn again.

We all experience disappointment, loss, and feel like we have failed at some things in life. Unfortunately, it is part of life. The important bit is to arm yourself with a bunch of coping skills to overcome setbacks, become stronger, and get back in the game to achieve your goals. Releasing emotions, positive and negative, in healthy ways, helps us all cope with life’s challenges. Acceptance is key. Being present amid negative emotions will grow resilience and teach us how to weather other storms that are sure to come along, to take nothing for granted and live your best life with grace, gratitude and presence.