The term resilience is one we hear a lot at the moment. The Latin roots of the word mean to spring back, hence where the term bounce back ability sprung from! Think of an object that is resilient like a good pair of shoes or a reliable handbag an item that was made to last and to stand the rest of time. . It bounced back into shape, it takes the rough with the smooth and above all it is something you can depend on. Now think of a person you have in your life that matches that description, someone who despite the challenges of life always seems to come back smiling and positive. How do they do it? Are they being authentic or are they burying the difficulties and falling into the stiff upper lip method of coping? The first kind of resilience is of course the one we are aiming for.
Building true resilience that is compassion based rather than on pressure or denial is important. Take a moment to see how resilient you are at present by taking the quiz below: The more Yes answers you give the more resilient you are.
- Are you good at coping with uncertainty?
- Do you remain calm in a crisis and focus on staying calm and thinking of what practical steps you can do to improve the situation?
- Do you see difficulties as temporary and know that they will soon pass?
- Do you bring humour to situations that are tough?
- Do you feel that past challenges have provided opportunities for you to grow?
- Do you soon move on after a difficulty?
- When faced with a challenge do you allow yourself to feel and work through the emotions that the difficulty has brought up for you?
- Do you talk to one or two close people and share your feelings when faced with a challenge?
- Do you have a strong sense that no matter what challenges arise you will be able to cope? To manage?
- Are you compassionate to yourself when you face a challenge?
The strength in feeling emotions
Resilience is often seen as the ability to be hard, strong and there can even be a hint of the need to be distant and cold to maintain the ability to deal with life’s challenges both big and small. A case of being reserved and maintaining a stiff upper lip when we are faced with pain and uncomfortable emotions. It was certainly a common coping method in previous generations who were conditioned that to show emotions was a weakness and we must ‘be strong’. We still see this type of conditioning in many families and especially towards men. But how sustainable is this approach? How authentic and how truly beneficial?
By consciously bringing a softened attitude to being resilient we are in fact opening up ourselves to the full experience of life and at the same time cultivating the skills to cope.
Ultimately we are working on the strength it requires to sit with uncomfortable emotions. To let them move through our bodies at the pace that they need to.
Many people will do anything to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Some people will eat too much, drink too much or work too much and others will simply have shut down their ability to feel emotion and prefer to see themselves as ‘strong’. In the short term this approach can work but as you already know the build-up of unfelt emotion takes its toll. The toxic energy created from the repressed emotion lives on in the body and has the potential to make us ill.
The idea is of course that we do not force emotions that aren’t there or spend hours analysing every fleeting feeling BUT I do recommend that we honour true emotion when it rises in our lives from a challenge or difficulty that inevitably we all face.
Emotions need time to move through our body so that we don’t get blocked or stuck. True resilience is based on bracing emotions with strength and love. Examples of this include:
- It’s having the conversation with a loved one that you’ve been putting off.
- It’s taking responsibility for when you behave in a way that is irresponsible or disrespectful.
- It’ showing remorse if you have behaved unfairly and then showing yourself compassion for the reasons behind your behaviour.
- It is showing vulnerability
- It is choosing to see the best in others when they have hurt you.
- It is remaining calm when emotions are high and taking steps after the event to release the emotion in a healthy way.
- It is being truly authentic with yourself and your loved ones.
When you practice the idea of feeling emotions you are cultivating a key skill of compassion based resilience. The next step is being kind to yourself when you feel the emotion- it will pass so much faster and it will allow you to feel safe to do so the next time an uncomfortable emotion arises.
Often people feel bad or guilty for having emotions that are hard. The idea that we ‘should’ be adults and ‘should’ behave in certain ways simply creates more pressure.
Loving Grit
You’ve probably heard of the hare and tortoise race story, the moral of the story is of course the tortoise wins the race by being slow and steady. The hare although faster initially wears itself out and needs to take a nap, meanwhile the tortoise scoops first prize. I love stories as they provide the fabric for learning important life lessons. It’s tempting to be the hare especially in the fast paced digital world we live in now. But there really is something in the idea of slowing down to achieve real performance and becoming a master of your trade and your life. Grit is the ability to keep going even when your body and mind may be screaming to stop. The most common example is that of an athlete who is aching in pain but continues to train. However, real life represents many challenges that are more about our emotional endurance and belief in ourselves to thrive no matter what the situation may be.
When we use the power of growth mind-set to change how we perceive an event, a person or situation that is beyond our control we are cultivating grit from a place of self-love that is patient and kind. To apply this practically in your life, think of a situation that you feel is less than perfect in your life. It could be the extension that is taking forever to build, it could be the boss who always seems to be in a bad mood, a family member who seems to insist on pushing your buttons, building a business that seems to be taking a long time to reach where you want it to be or it could be something much more difficult, grieving a loved one, facing an illness or dealing with the break-up of a relationship. This is where loving grit really helps you to find patience to keep going without pressure but compassion.
Taking small baby steps to improve how you feel about the situation will help to build up compassionate based resilience where you have patience for the situation and you acknowledge all progress, every TINY step of it. Some of you may know the work of the late Wayne Dwyer, a spiritual leader who took a year of his life to study the Tao te Ching written Lao-tzu, a Chinese philosopher who lived five hundred years before the birth of Jesus. The classic text of verses offers advice and guidance that is balanced, moral, spiritual, and always concerned with working for the good of people. From my research I gather that one of the core takeaways that Dwyer learnt was that in order to live the life you deserve all you need to do is focus on what is right in front of you with love in your heart.
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