Providing space for suffering

I’m writing this for those of us who have a tendency to block out, ignore or strongly resist intense and painful emotions when they arise. Personally, I have had lifelong habits of freezing, numbing and completely misunderstanding the more difficult aspects of my own feeling world. It’s only in recent times that I’ve learned the endless benefits of developing emotional intelligence and providing genuine space for what needs to pass through.

One recurring thing I’ve seen again and again in many people is the inability to fully allow painful feelings that are occurring for them. We all experience this in some way or another, and our society which promotes the ‘put on a smile no matter what’ attitude has largely cultivated this problem, leading people to feel shame where, with more understanding, they could be feeling self-compassion.

Regardless of how we got here, the reality is that we live in a world where we have been conditioned to say no to suffering at all costs. This is represented in our society as quick fix solutions such as “Feeling sick? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Feeling neutral? I’m sure there’s a pill to sort that out.” Of course, I agree with medications if absolutely necessary, but it seems that we have developed an attitude of needing to rid ourselves of any discomfort instantly, while creating this idea that discomfort is completely abnormal to the human experience.

Do we live in an age where everyone is a little more sensitive? Absolutely. We have also been conditioned by large companies to believe that we can feel absolutely fantastic all of the time, provided we buy their products and sign up to their wellness strategies. This all leads to a denial of anything that we deem to be “not nice”. Our attitude seems to be that if it’s not nice, we just block it out or we give it minimal attention so that it does not upset us or make us have to feel anything less than alright. We have become obsessed with feeling good no matter what. The price often being a complete denial of the truth of the human suffering being faced all over the world on a moment to moment basis by our brothers and sisters.

We also deny the suffering we must face within ourselves. Suffering that is perfectly valid and just considering the ever increasing crisis our world faces. From that point of view, it’s completely normal to not feel good all of the time, and I think it would be really strange if we did. It would indicate a complete blindness to the world, to our beautiful planet, while choosing to centralize on your singular experience and personal perceptions and projections, i.e. your ego.

I believe that we are all so inextricably interconnected that if others are suffering, we also suffer on some level, either consciously or unconsciously. How could we not? We are all the same beneath our habits and patterns that divide us. Beneath our views and opinions on this or that, we hold the essence of being human. Endless causes and conditions may divide us but, below the surface, we are one and the same. We are connected on the very basis of our shared species. This also goes for the seemingly worst in our society, those we would rather not identify with due to their actions, poor decision making and assumed negative conditioning. These are humans too and beneath the surface level of appearances and personality, are exactly the same as you or me. We all have a heart and a longing to be happy and free, and due to our interdependent nature, we share joy together and we suffer together. Many assume suffering to be of an independent nature. We think of it as personal and exclusive to ourselves, forgetting that if we widen the lens, we see that it is our shared experience. We must look beyond our own personal story that keeps us feeling small and isolated, and see that, just like us, other people are feeling this too. This isn’t a personal problem, our own individual defect. This is a wider issue faced by all, and through recognizing our shared global experience, the possibility of a much greater unity presents itself, helping to lessen loneliness and increase connection.

When seen through this wider lens, the depression this world is facing and the ever-increasing numbers of people experiencing mental health difficulties is largely due to the state of worldly affairs. People are being stigmatized for experiencing unhappiness in a culture that denies genuine compassion and kindness as a lasting source of happiness, in favour of short-term materialistic gain, a highly impermanent social status, and the temporary fulfilment of neurotic needs that are forever fluctuating.

Shaming people and judging them for experiencing ongoing negative emotions is not the answer and, to be honest, it’s quite childish in my opinion. People do not need to be made to feel ashamed of negative emotions, as if those normal, human emotions are their own personal deficiency. People need to be shown understanding, kindness and compassion. These are elements present within people that have some degree of emotional intelligence and empathy, so please do not feel disparaged by someone who is unwilling to genuinely attempt to understand, which can only be done through empathy or the ability to visualize themselves in your position. If someone can’t do that, I would say that is their own deficiency in authentically relating to another human being and their inability to acknowledge the truth of suffering.

I have seen kindness be a key ingredient in healing, time and time again. Where someone is experiencing deep pain, consistent kindness without agenda can be a powerful and necessary move towards someone developing trust again. Please, I beg of you, if you see someone in pain, be kind to them and be authentic with your kindness. I use the word genuine a lot because genuine kindness is incredibly healing to both ourselves and the people we are offering it to. True kindness and compassion is like magic, and I firmly believe it can unite the world and stop wars. I urge all of us to be kinder to each other. If anything else, it just feels really good. We can still change the world with kindness, bit by bit, day in and day out, and at the same time, we feel better and those around us feel better. It’s a win-win situation.

Lastly, the title of this article, Providing Space for Suffering, is important. We do not need to shy away from any suffering that we face. We can sit down with it, open our hearts and allow it to arise in the space of self-kindness and compassion. We don’t need to be dominated by it, always looking over our shoulder or running away. We can invite our suffering in, allowing it to stay for a while and even asking it to pop back again some time. We can welcome it, rather than reject it. We can open our door rather than slam it shut and close the blinds. Suffering is not to be avoided. Once allowed to fully be there, it naturally lightens, loosens and floats away on its own. It’s also a wonderful teacher. Suffering teachings us to open up, to expand to our world rather than habitually contracting. We open up in moments where we would usually close down. We open up in all the moments that hurt and cause us dissatisfaction. We open up for the sake of opening up, to open to all of life and this present moment, no matter what it presents us with. We make an effort to continually expand our heart at all times, so we can realize that love exists here and now no matter what is going on. We keep doing this over and over, until all that’s left is beauty in every moment. This is a personal choice in how to live mindfully, feeling everything as it happens. No blocking, no avoiding, just experiencing awareness without constant reaction.