‘So when you are going to have a baby?’ You’re barely down the aisle and people are asking you this. As time goes on and you still haven’t had a baby people keep asking you or say things like ‘it’s about time you made your mother a grandmother’. I can’t even begin to describe how hurtful these questions or statements are. If you don’t have a baby, then either you don’t want one, or don’t want one right now or you are having difficulty having one. Either way, someone pointing out to you that you don’t have one is very difficult even though you know it’s coming from a well-intentioned place and not meaning to upset you.
Growing up, my parents never really got on. I was the eldest of five kids. When I was nine my Dad moved away to work. It wasn’t until I was about 16 that they were finally legally separated even though they continued to get back together on and off until I was about 23. It’s only in the last few years that their divorce was thankfully granted.
From a young age I craved a ‘normal’ family. I dreamed of the day when I would have my own kids and finally have a parent-child relationship. To do things like go shopping together, to call each other, to do the normal everyday things that I’d always hear other people talk about. To take an interest in them, ask them how their day was, to miss them when they are away, to spend time with them and be so proud of them.
Looking back I think I was probably depressed for as long as I can remember. When I was about 24 I went to my doctor, as I was convinced I was going to have a heart attack some morning. This had been going on for weeks. She smiled kindly at me after I explained everything to her and said ‘There’s nothing wrong with your heart. You’re having Panic Attacks’. From there I attended Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for a number of months and I did find it very helpful.
I still found myself being very depressed and anxious but I didn’t really know any other way. For me it was the norm. Before I got married at 28 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. A month after I got married I had a laparoscopy to remove it. I had stage 4 Endometriosis. As I knew I would have difficulty conceiving because of it, we started trying to conceive, as your chances are much higher after the procedure having cleaned it all out. A year and a half later I had to have another laparoscopy and this time they had to remove part of my bowel as well. About a year later I eventually fell pregnant. We were over the moon. It had taken so long but now we were blessed. We had a few scans and all was going great. We had heard the heartbeat and we were beyond excited. I went in for another scan and the heartbeat was no longer there. We were devastated. Why after waiting so long was our baby taken from us? It seemed so unfair. I ended up having to have a D&C, only to get an infection a few days after and end up back in hospital.
We continued to try and conceive again not knowing that our marriage was slowly being ripped apart. I conceived again about a year later only to lose our baby again. I was at complete breaking point at this stage. Wanting and trying to conceive a baby absolutely consumes you. It’s so hard to explain. As a woman you feel like a complete failure. You cannot do the main thing you are supposed to be able to do. Everywhere around you there are babies and people pregnant. There are young girls out there having babies they don’t even want that you so desperately want. You cannot stand to be around your friends that have kids. You know for a fact that some people didn’t even want to fall pregnant and they did. There are people that tried for one month and fell pregnant straight away. There are people who didn’t even know each other when you started trying that now are having a baby together. It just seems so unfair. You’re angry. You’re disappointed. You can’t give your partner what you know they want more than anything. And then you have everyone asking you when are you going to have one or ‘you’ll be next’ along with a nudge nudge.
That pain when you hear yet another friend is pregnant is unbearable. You’re obviously happy for them but devastated for yourself. Then you feel guilty for being upset at their news. You’re constantly thinking this person or that person is pregnant. You just know it. You sound like a crazed woman saying it to your partner all the time. Jealousy and rage engulfs you at the very thought that someone else might be pregnant. It’s not fair. It’s surely our turn now? The pain when you hold a little baby and cuddle them. That pain on Mother’s Day. Thinking will it ever be my turn?
Needless to say my depression and anxiety were at an all time high not that I think I even realised it at the time. That longing for a baby absolutely consumes you. You become absolutely blinded by it. Nothing else matters. That feeling in your heart when you realise that you are getting your period and so are not pregnant is impossible to describe. You actually feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. But then you get over it and concentrate on the next couple of weeks for when you will be ovulating. Planning everything around it. It becomes completely functional and there really is no fun in ‘trying’ anymore. Then the waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Hoping. Waiting to see if you’re pregnant only to realise again that you’re not. Then the cycle begins again. I guess looking back it’s no wonder that I tried to commit suicide but thankfully I was unsuccessful.
After my second miscarriage I started IVF. If you’re someone like me who doesn’t like needles, you might think the hardest part is having to inject yourself every night but that’s actually the easy part. I was put on a long cycle and was injecting myself for about 6 weeks. You have to go in pretty much every second day to the clinic before work and either have a scan or have bloods taken. It was all going to plan and I was told to give one shot of the trigger injection to help my eggs. I was a bit confused as there were all these little dash lines on the pen/needle and then a number 1. I called the after hours number and they talked me through it while I injected myself. There was some confusion and I ended up putting it to the number 1 instead of one dashed line and gave myself too much. This released my eggs too soon and they weren’t ready. Literally as the needle was still in me I realised the mistake. I was hysterical. I screamed and cried and flung the needle across the room. All those weeks of injecting gone to waste over one stupid mistake.
I had to wait to get my period and then another month before I could start again. It’s such a long process. There are so many hurdles to get through everyday. Everyone tells you to relax and to not think about it. How can you not think about it? You’re in the clinic every second day and injecting yourself every night. You’re constantly waiting, wondering, hoping. You cannot but think about it. I ended up getting about 14 eggs. After the 5 days only 1 embryo remained. We transferred and then waited again. Surely this time. We had one hurdle to get over. But no. I lost it.
I did a third cycle but only ended up with one viable embryo this time also. More waiting and waiting and then No.
At this stage I was a basket case. I was beyond depressed and anxious. I couldn’t cope with the simplest of things. If someone cut me off in traffic I’d be a mess. If I dropped something I’d fall apart. Anything at all. So you can imagine if someone asked me when was I going to have a baby, I wanted to rip their head off but I didn’t. I smiled while my heart was breaking inside.
I’d given up. I was done. I knew I would end up in a psychiatric ward if I kept going. I took some time off work, as I just could not cope. A few months before this I had started going to see a Psychologist. This was after years of me refusing to go every time my doctor suggested it. I didn’t want to bring up all the stuff from my childhood. I just wanted a baby. Talking wasn’t going to help that I felt. Around the same time I got a puppy. To this day, I can honestly say that my dog and my psychologist saved my life. I would not be here only for them and I will be forever grateful to them.
After the last IVF stage I was done. I could not go back and do it again. I was in bits and if I’m honest so was my marriage. I had always heard about people who went through IVF and how it had ripped them apart. Or how couples that couldn’t have children ended up splitting up and I could never understand it. I mean if you both wanted the same thing so badly then why would you split up over it. Now I get it. Now I understand. It’s hard to explain why it happens. I guess you become so focused and obsessed with it that you forget about everything else not to mention being all over the place with all the hormones that you are pumping in to you. Then combine that with constant disappointment and you’re so upset all the time. You can’t function properly. You’re going through the motions. You’re in complete limbo. You’re friends are either single/unmarried/don’t have kids and all going out or they have kids and are going to kids parties and playgrounds at the weekend. You don’t feel you fit in anywhere. You feel like a complete failure as a woman.
The very next month after the failed IVF, I fell pregnant naturally. I can honestly say that it was the only time in that month that we even slept together and we were definitely not trying. I didn’t see the point anymore. It was on Day 8 of my cycle that I conceived which was weird for me based on my previous tracking of ovulation. Of course I didn’t even begin to get my hopes up. We had a few scans and all was fine but that didn’t mean anything. I’ll never forget the day that we went for the 12-week scan and all was ok. We didn’t even speak to each other for about an hour after. We could not believe it. We were beyond ecstatic. I went on to have a beautiful baby boy. I still can’t believe it.
When he was about a year and a half I fell pregnant again but unfortunately lost it. I was devastated once again but in a much better headspace to be able to deal with it thankfully. I was so blessed to have my little boy and he helped to keep me busy. I never thought I’d have any so I knew I was so lucky. I got another dog shortly after and the very next month I fell pregnant again. Not wanting to get our hopes up again, we waited and waited and finally reached that agonising 12-week mark. I now have a beautiful baby girl also.
Two months ago I had another miscarriage. My sixth one. It always hurts but it gets a bit easier I guess. I know how blessed I am to have two little ones already and I am so grateful every day to have them.
Being a mom is the best thing in the world but also very hard at times. There are days when I am so overwhelmed and anxious and then the guilt for feeling like that kicks in on top of it. It’s a vicious circle. While I have been dealing with this most of my life, I have certainly got much better with coping with it. Mindfulness and Meditation are unbelievable tools and I would recommend everyone to start practising them.
It took me 6 years to have my first child. He was a complete miracle, both of are them are. If I hadn’t had my dog I’m not sure I’d still be here after those failed IVF treatments. For any of you out there that are going through this journey, please don’t give up. But make sure you take care of you and your mental health. It takes an unbelievable toll on you. It still breaks my heart to hear of any IVF story even the ones in movies or in novels. It brings everything back and all those raw emotions come flooding back and it really affects me. Through Mindfulness and Meditation I have learned to cope with this better. Infertility and IVF is heartbreaking. I pray every night for anyone out there who is or who wants to be pregnant. There are no words to explain that longing and aching for a child. So if this is you, please get and take all the help that you need. See a Counsellor or Psychologist and start practising Mindfulness and Meditation. I continue to see my Psychologist and will need to for the rest of my life. And if you’re an animal lover, get a dog. You won’t regret it.
Thinking and praying for all of you during this journey xxx
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