Ivor Browne, the eminent Irish psychiatrist’s autobiography, ‘Music and Madness,’ contains an Introduction by Colm Tobín which describes a New Year’s Eve lunch he attended in Browne’s home many years ago. Every few minutes the phone would ring and Ivor was called away from the table. Eventually, fearing that something bad had happened, Tobín asked if everything was alright. Ivor wearily explained that this volume of calls was ‘normal’ over the Christmas period as many of his patients were reeling from family arguments and the tensions caused by unresolved issues; time spent in each other’s company and too much drink had caused the tinsel to lose its shine and all hell had broken loose. Browne said rather wisely, ‘‘Families are often not the best place for people to be.”
This is definitely not the Hallmark image of Christmas as it is ‘supposed’ to be. Instead of the happy images portrayed in countless TV commercials, many families struggle to live in harmony with each other which can result not only in feelings of dread but also guilt about the dread they feel at the thought of a family Christmas.
I have heard many accounts from my clients over the years of family Christmases without much cheer where families fail to get on and arguments, grudges, silence and stress spoil their festive period. This is sad and all too common. We would do well to realise that there is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ family or, for that matter, the ‘perfect’ Christmas. It is no coincidence that those families who do manage to live in harmony, especially at Christmas, have chosen to cultivate a loving awareness.
Many of us might feel that we are emotionally intelligent, highly functioning, perhaps even flourishing until we are sitting around the dinner table with our family of origin and find ourselves regressing to the state of a sullen, anxious child. Eckhart Tolle once said, “If you think you are enlightened go and have dinner with your family.”
It might help to think of a family as similar to the cast of a play; each member/actor has a role to play. In the subconscious framework of the family these roles were set long ago; the ‘difficult one’, the ‘clever one,’ ‘the sensitive one’ etc… Knowing which role you have been assigned is crucial because you can then consciously choose not to act it out if it is not true or is out-of-date. How? Follow the three strategies below and give yourself the best gift ever by becoming calm and emotionally resilient and by playing your authentic role (your true self) no matter what drama plays out on the family stage.
1. Know your triggers
Forewarned is forearmed. Emotions are habits and habits live in your subconscious. Knowing what triggers unwanted negative emotions such as anxiety, stress, irritability, sadness, and anger is the first and most important step. Take a moment and reflect or journal on previous Christmases. What happened that caused you to get upset and pulled into the drama? The most common triggers are:
- Negative comments made by family members – often about your character, the way you look, the way you bring your up children or personal remarks that nobody outside the family would make
- Feeling claustrophobic with in-laws and tension arising in your relationship
- Feeling that you are being taken for granted or not being respected
- Feelings of grief or sadness for recent or past loss of loved ones
Also, pay attention to your own stress triggers and ask how you can be kinder to yourself. Don’t overwhelm yourself trying to create the perfect Christmas and wear yourself out. Have a strong self-care routine that gives you time out from others. It is more important that you are calm and in control. Once you know your triggers you are building an awareness which will help you to follow the next two steps.
2. Don’t take anything personally
This is the toughest to do but so worth practising. Believe me, if you can get this right your relationships will blossom no matter what time of year it is. In his seminal book, ‘The Four Agreements,’ Don Miguel Ruiz states that, “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…”
Remember the members of your family are also unconsciously acting out their own roles learned from their childhoods. Very often they don’t intend to be argumentative and will feel bad about themselves if they lash out or use the silent treatment. Not taking things personally does not condone disrespectful behaviour but it does help to remove the hurt and pain it causes.
3. Look behind the brambles
The bottom line is that, in general, families love each other. Contrary to Ivor Browne’s comment above, if your family is conscious and kind then being with them is the best place for you to be. Be the person in your family that looks behind the behaviour and into the heart of the other. Often the intention behind a mother’s barbed comments on how her daughter looks come from a place where she wants the best for her child. Even if it appears to be critical, underneath there is a deep love. The heart is often like a beautiful red rose behind many brambles.
Finally, if you do get stressed this Christmas then show kindness towards yourself. Similarly, if someone you love is acting out then replace your hurt with compassion. By doing so you are getting closer to the true spirit of Christmas and perfectly creating the imperfect Christmas with your imperfect family!
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