Understanding Self Harm

Thank you so much to A Lust For Life reader for this contribution on self-harm and depression.

This is my story and I hope it helps someone dealing with mental illness…

I’m your typical 18 year old student, studying for my leaving cert. I’ve decided I want to share my story, so hopefully I can inspire others to come forward and talk about their story without embarrassment.

It all started over 2 years ago, when my mother passed away due to lung cancer. She was an inspiring brave woman who fought the cancer the best she could, and in the end, sadly the cancer won. I thought I had dealt with it all as well as I could. I went on three weeks later to sit my junior cert, and done relatively well.

Summer passed and I was starting transition year with hope and excitement, but that soon changed. Suddenly I couldn’t sleep at night anymore. I’d be up crying till all hours. Going into school trying to conceal my puffy eyes. Maybe it was grief I thought.

Then one night I felt a pain hard in my chest and I couldn’t breathe from crying so much and I decided to cut myself. Instantly I felt relief, the crying stopped and my breathing became regular. This became the start of a vicious cycle, repeating itself over and over again, leaving me with cuts to cover week in and out.

This went on for months. The cutting became worse, to the point where I had to get stitches and my family had to be told. They didn’t understand but they helped the best they could. I’ve seen multiple councillors who all tried their methods but it never seemed to work.

Now I was starting fifth year, and I was dreading it. I started out ok but as the weeks progressed I got worse. I decided not to get out of bed , telling my dad I was sick, any excuse to stay isolated and alone. The thought of school panicked me so much that my mouth would dry up and id feel sick when it was mentioned.

I decided to tell a girl older than me about my constant suicidal thoughts, at this point I hadn’t been in school for a week. The next day my principal rang my Dad telling her about the suicidal thoughts because the girl told the principal. My Dad was extremely worried and so was my brother and I just cried.

I decided to attend my GP and he said that I was clinically depressed. I understood what depression was because my older brother also suffers with depression. I took a few weeks off school to get myself together somehow.

He decided to send me to a psychiatrist who prescribed me with tablets. For me this didn’t work. I didn’t like the idea of being medicated to feel better. I know it works for others, it just did nothing for me.

Finally, I started attending a psychologist in Clare, and he really was the best thing that ever happened to me. If you are going through something in your own life, please find the right person to help you. It took me a while, but finding that person you can work with is like finding gold! He listened to what I had to say. He never judged me or forced me to try his methods. He simply asked me what I thought would help. I always thought cutting was the answer but now when I feel depressed I write down my feelings on a page. I don’t know why, but it helps. It gives me the same release cutting does, and I realise I needed to stop the self-harm in order to improve. The months passed and I would have my slip ups but other than that I’ve been really good.

I’m now in 6th year. I rarely miss a day of school and I hope to attend college next year. Yes, I still have depression but I think that will always be a part of me on some level, but I’ve learned that it’s okay! It’s how I deal with my depression is what’s important.

I hope to inspire others to talk about how they are feeling, because opening up is the bravest thing you’ll ever do.

Don’t be ashamed of your story, it may inspire others.

If you or someone you know is self-harming and need some help, contact Pieta House or your local GP.

Take care.