Standing on the edge of a bridge wondering where your life is heading, all you can see are the negatives. You talk to yourself, you put yourself down, a few seconds of pain will end a few years of complete and utter destruction of your mind. Then bang, the phone rings, the lifeline arrives.
The call that I longed for, had come. It streamed out of me, it was a cry that I had wanted to express for so long. I was ready to jump, I did want to end it all. There was nothing to live for in my mind. It was the night that changed my life for the better. That night I was told and finally believed there is something to live for. I had to stop.
I had a disease. It was called gambling. I was not an excessive gambler to me but I was a constant gambler. It was small bets on a daily basis that added up over the years. I started when I was around 16, I’m now turning 31 in a few days and it had taken me nearly half my life to realise something was wrong. I had lost possibly hundreds of thousands. I had alienated myself from the world. I worked, went gambling, lost my money, went home, ate excessively and slept.
It was groundhog day every day that came and went. I was lying to people, people I loved, I lied to them. I had taken loans from so many people I lost count. I piled on the weight, lost my confidence and was constantly fighting myself. I’ll do one more bet and go, that was my thing. That was at 5pm, come 9pm I’d still be there. It was my home from home.
I missed so many things during what should have been the best years of my life. Family gatherings, meeting friends, birthday parties etc. I did go out socialising but when I did, it was mostly on loans. It was like a release getting out for a change and relieving some stress. In the back of my mind though I always knew I had to pay them back and worked out how would I get the money to do so.
I found myself taking from my mother’s handbag. I was robbing my own mother! It was all brought about by one thing, gambling. It had cost me so many competitions in the sport I love, Pitch & Putt. A sport I have grown to love. I have been lucky over the years representing my club, my county and winning some big tournaments but best of all representing Ireland and winning the Pitch and Putt World Cup as captain. In some of these journeys and big occasions however, I was not mentally there as a result of my addiction and that includes that World Cup win. I had disgraced myself and nobody knew.
I have since changed from that time I went further than ever before, standing on the edge of a bridge looking down to the road below. I sent out a final text and as I stood there I got a call from my sister. She talked me down, made me see things and realise the damage I would do not only to me but the others around me. I was picked up by my dad who had no idea I had sneaked out of the house thinking I was in bed. I cried my eyes out to both my parents and it all came out. I was in Pieta House the next day in Lucan and then for the best part of 2 months after. I have nothing but respect and admiration for these people. The work they do is incredible and it is very worrying to see so many young people pass through the doors.
It brought me to tears in one session actually seeing youngsters having such trouble in life. It put my troubles into perspective in a way and actually helped me enormously. In fact going to Pieta was the best decision I have ever made. I have always been a shy guy and expressing my views from word of mouth was never the easiest thing to do but out there they made it easy. Typing or writing things out for me feels so much easier and makes me see some things I may not hear myself say. GA (Gambling Addiction) meetings were not for me but could be for you if you suffer. Sometimes just saying it to someone is the best part and the relief is enormous.
The road is long, the temptations are around every corner especially being a sports fanatic as gambling advertisements come at you from all angles constantly. They try to hook you back into the game using a myriad of enticing marketing techniques, so you have to be constantly vigilant. Watching Bressie’s Ironmind recently reminded me of my own struggles and the road I am taking getting away from the depression I found myself in and watching the courage of others has encouraged and inspired me to write my own stories and start my own blog to hopefully help others and the reaction so far has been positive.
Gambling is a big problem in Irish society and growing daily, and especially difficult as mentioned with gambling company advertisements infiltrating your phone, your screens, everywhere daily. It is hard to escape it but I’ve gradually learned to deal with it.
It’s been 9 months now since my last venture into the betting world. It has been tough but worth it. Every time you beat temptation it gives you that little extra confidence to keep going and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
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