A false sense of insecurity – Learning to cope with anxiety

There is a powerful line in the film Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon ‘you can do anything you want in this world, you are bound by nothing’. It is a line that has always stuck with me. It’s inspirational, poignant, powerful and most importantly, it’s true.

It’s a line that has helped me in a lot of dark times. When I had a horrible bit of bad luck running the Berlin Marathon in 2015, I kept repeating that line to myself and with all the odds stacked against me, I finished that race.

I will never forget the first time I had an anxiety attack. I was having lunch and all of a sudden I could not breathe. I got very tense and my heart started racing at a million miles an hour. I thought I was having a heart attack (my mind rationalised this as both my parents have heart conditions). It scared the f@$king shit out of me. To make matters worse I started choking on the food I was eating. The walls, the ceiling were all closing in. I was taking short, rapid breaths, gasping.

I knew something very serious was happening and if I didn’t act quickly it was going to get worse. I went outside to get some air. I was gasping and my heart felt like it was bouncing out of my chest. I sat outside and eventually it stopped. I went back inside with my tail between my legs, embarrassed because a lot of people saw what had happened.

At this stage I was not sure what had happened and the thoughts of an anxiety attack never entered my mind. I went to a GP straight away and explained my symptoms. They were so fresh in my mind that I could describe things word for word. Convinced the GP would send me to the hospital for an Echo or ECG, he turned to me very solemnly and told me I was having an anxiety attack. He also told me he used to think those things were bullshit, until he had one himself. It floored me. I assumed, very wrongly, that ‘those’ things were for frail people who constantly worry and fret about every little thing, not big ‘tough’ guys like me. I could not have been more wrong.

I left the GP not knowing what to think. Still very shaken by what happened and not sure what to do or who to turn to, I tried to put it out of my mind and get back to normal, convincing myself it was a once off thing.

A day later, the same thing happened again. They also started happening elsewhere (on the bus, in restaurants, in crowded areas). I suffered in silence for a long time. I stopped eating in work with my friends and ate alone at my desk instead. I withdrew from the people around me. It was affecting me badly.

Around this time I started running. I was overweight and very slow. But I kept at it, going from a 4.5 km loop around my estate to 8km and then 10km. I eventually plucked up the courage to run a ‘proper’ 10k race, The Great Ireland Run in April 2014. I finished that in one piece and I was hooked. I entered another 10k race and a half marathon that very night and ran my first marathon in Dublin later that year. I didn’t have the greatest time in the world, but I finished.

I kept going and started to improve and found a great support network of friends through running. I found an incredible trainer and even more brilliant and inspiring man in John O’ Regan.

In 2015, I ran three marathons, Connemara, Berlin and Dublin, a few 10ks, half marathons and even a three quarter marathon :-) In 2016, I have three marathons planned, Barcelona in March, Berlin in September and Dublin in October. Running has given me an incredible lust for life and I’m immensely grateful for all the opportunities running has given me and wonderful, genuine people I have met through the running community.

Running has changed my life for the better but I won’t lie, there were times when it was tough and I really had to dig deep. There were times when I became incredibly frustrated at situations and some bad things that happened. But I have learnt the coping mechanisms to overcome this. Like anyone, I have good and bad days.

One of these dark moments (when I was trying to sweep the anxiety attacks under the carpet for the umpteenth time) I read a powerful piece by Niall Breslin. In it, he spoke very openly about the anxiety attacks which crippled him. I identified with so many of the things he wrote about (the isolation, the fear, the anger) and for the first time it dawned on me that I’m not the only person who suffers from these horrible things. I could feel the weight lift off me. I started researching and understanding them more, learning coping mechanisms. While I can’t stop them happening, I know what triggers them and I am certainly more aware of what to do when one strikes.

I am in control of these anxiety attacks, they are not in control of me. My name is Darren, I am a normal guy who works in a normal job. I am a marathon runner. This is the first time I have ever spoken openly about suffering from anxiety attacks.

Do not be afraid to speak out and ask for help. It will help. I just have.

You can do anything you want in this world. You are bound by nothing. Never ever forget that.

Thank you for reading.