A few weeks ago I was teaching a child in a one-to-one setting… well, I say I was teaching her, but the truth is that she and her beautiful family have taught me more about goodness and kindness in the time that I have known them than I could ever teach her.
Anyhow, a few minutes into the session she just randomly blurted out – “so your husband is dead?” I was a bit taken aback, but I confirmed that yes, my husband was dead – thinking that would be the end of the conversation and we could return to the task in hand. But no. “So it’s just you and Lottie and Rosie now?” she continued. “It is love”, I acknowledged. “That’s not good at all is it?” she replied. This question caused me to pause for a moment before I launched into my little speech, saying that it wasn’t so much that it wasn’t good as that it was different, but that that was ok because families come in lots of different shapes and sizes these days, etc. She looked at me fairly blankly as I waffled with my teacher hat on and when I eventually stopped she simply shook her head and said “no. It’s not very good at all”, and with that she returned to her work.
That exchange made me laugh and made me cry. It was probably one of the most honest conversations I have had with anyone since my husband Mal died. I relayed the conversation to the little girl’s mother and she was mortified and apologised profusely. I quickly stopped her and explained how in that refreshingly frank and straightforward discussion her little girl had given me the gift of allowing me to be just as I am. Her beautiful little daughter exhibited wisdom beyond her years in the words she spoke. Unlike many adults, she was able to ‘say it like it is’. She didn’t pussy-foot around the issue or offer any inane platitudes. Her words, as simple as they were, have had a profound effect on me over the past few weeks.
Yesterday was my youngest daughter’s fifth birthday. I miss Mal desperately on a daily basis but special days like yesterday can be particularly difficult. I felt the sting of tears as I read out my card to her and noted the absence of his heartfelt, humorous, proud fatherly words. I had to force a smile as we danced around the kitchen to her requested favourite song ‘Daddy Cool’. My voice shook as I sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to my little one and placed in front of her a cake her Daddy would have made for her if he was here… not to mention the blister on my hand from plunging a blocked up sink that he would have dealt with effortlessly! At one point during the day I felt completely overwhelmed and I grabbed a minute to myself (in the toilet!). The little girl’s words came to mind – “it’s not very good at all” and I allowed myself to really feel that and know that it was ok to feel that in that moment. Then I had a good cry and put my game face back on and made sure that our little princess enjoyed her special day.
I am grateful to my little friend for reminding me that yes, despite all of my blessings ( and there are many of which I am so deeply aware), there are days or sometimes just moments when I feel that things really aren’t very good at all and I don’t need to beat myself up about that. We need to allow ourselves and others the freedom to be just as we/they are. Instead of resisting uncomfortable emotions we should try to acknowledge them, accept them and give ourselves permission to feel them without adding an extra layer of suffering by feeling guilty about feeling them. It’s truly exhausting pretending to yourself and others that you’re fine when you’re anything but.
So if you’re feeling that things aren’t very good at all right now that really is ok. There’s nothing wrong with you. You won’t always feel like that.
“Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be” – Fanny Brice
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here: