Like so many others I have come through some extremely tough times in my life, moments where I felt I had only one option. But I got through, and finally I was brave enough to reach out for that help. In February it has been two years since I became truly open about my mental illness. Now, I tell my story at schools and colleges as a survivor. But I am not a survivor, not really, I am coping. I am struggling but I am fighting. But I am certainly not at the other side.
When you first talk, when you finally, finally, are brave enough to say ‘I am not well’, it’s like a weight lifting. You can’t believe you’ve suffered this long without saying it. When I first talked, and I mean really opened up to my family and friends, I could not have received any more support than I did. They were, and still are amazing. They have helped me through sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, uncontrollable crying, and just plain and simple depression. The black cloud. They have saved me numerous times. The importance of reaching out to others, whether going for a coffee, a call or a text… it can never be underestimated.
But now here I sit, two years on, and I am still suffering. I still suffer from anxiety and depression. Just because I have opened to people and a weight has lifted doesn’t mean it is gone, it doesn’t mean I am cured. It can, and sometimes is, as bad as it ever was. And unfortunately, though I know I have this support, sometimes I can’t reach out for it. I am at the point where I question whether I am always annoying my friends with crying sessions and paranoid messages. Like, I sometimes think, is this our relationship now? Do my friends and family now feel when they get a message from me, like they have become my keeper, do they mumble ‘oh here she’s at it again’? Have I opened Pandora box and they feel like they are trapped?
I feel like how can I keep going through the same stages every few months and expect them to be there? It’s sometimes feels like that it is just as difficult this time, as the first. And I know, I know, RATIONALY, that my friends and family would hate to think of me feeling like that and they are there for me, but it is still hard.
So, lately, I’ve been trying, and I mean really trying, to be pro-active in minding myself. To become my own keeper. And I have written before about it, but it is really the “little things” getting me through.
Someone once told me that everyone has a tool box and in this box are tools that help you. Tools that help you, simply, get through. Everyone has a different set of tools that are perfect for them. These tools can be small, like simply taking time out and doing something you just know will make you feel better, anything at all that helps you.
As a teacher I take little things from my kids every day. Little moments where they remind me that I am important and needed. In our school we have also done “Little things” in SPHE. I strongly believe that you can never be too young (or too old!) to be taught how to deal with and manage your feelings. What I found with the 6-12 year olds is that they are wiser than a lot of us adults! Straight away they got it, they understood the tool box, the importance of minding yourself and using different tools that can help them cope in different situations, like losing a match or fighting with a friend. The little things they do were shared amongst each other. Simple tools like giving their favourite teddy a hug to making jigsaws or having a cookie (my favourite was ‘think about unicorns’!!).
So, the moral of this long winded mess is that, if like me, you are struggling, and you’re not quite in a place where you feel you can reach out to talk to others, or you have already reached out but feel like me, then try to do the little things that you just know help you, day by day.
You already know what these things are. Go do them.
Everyone has a place in this world, we are all part of this massive jigsaw and everyone’s piece is important. Keep going, do the little things, start the conversations, take care of each other, and ask that simple question ‘are you okay?’
Hug that teddy, eat that cookie and remember, this too shall pass.
If you need support please contact:
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House 01 601 0000 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide, self-harm)
- yourmentalhealth.ie
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
- National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement)