A while ago, Jennifer Coleman wrote for us about her struggles with depression. Since then, she had a setback, and writes today about what it’s like when depression returns.
I haven’t suffered any symptoms of my chronic depression in over 3 years… Yeah go me!!
Oh actually wait a second. Did I just gloat there?? Silly Woman…I should know better my Mental Health is an illness I will carry for the rest of my life, but somehow, I forgot that!
Just when I thought I’d educated myself enough, and had all the tools to combat this cruel illness. I got a very big wake up call.
Just over 6 weeks ago I woke up feeling not myself, but obviously there was no way it was my depression back. I had survived that and it wasn’t going to happen to me again. I even told the doctor the exact same thing when I went down to see her. As she looked at me with sympathy and tried to explain that she thought that’s exactly what it was, I thought she was going mad.
That is until the next morning I woke up with such a pain in my chest, it felt like a ton of bricks were on me. I’ve always said for me the crying is the easiest part of this –and I don’t say that lightly. I spent the whole day shaking and crying because I knew what was happening and the fear ran right to my core. In a matter of days I’d gone from the confident, chatty woman to a broken shell.
I couldn’t believe I was back here, I couldn’t believe I was so ignorant that I thought I would never be back here again. I would be lying if I said it gets easier if anything it gets worse because you know how dark it can get and by god did it get dark. I was so far down the rabbit hole I was holding on with my fingernails… but this time was different in one important way.
I was brutally honest with my family and closest friends. I didn’t try and hide it. I explained the best way I could how I was feeling. I went to the doctors every couple of days so they could keep an eye on me and manage my medications. I was honest from the beginning and that’s why I am alive and typing this now.
The fear was horrendous, it went darker than I could ever remember but I just kept the communication open with the ones I love. They gave me faith and love when I had lost it and believed in me when I certainly didn’t. Slowly within a few weeks I started to feel ok and gradually back to my normal self. It was a month of hell but last time I was sick it was years of hell because I wasn’t honest. I’m not saying everyone will get it and understand it the way you need them to but if they can try it make all the difference. I realised what amazing family & friends I have and it’s because of them and only them that I am better so quickly and less ignorant.
It’s not always easy but talking it through with somebody who understands makes a huge difference.
Please remember you are loved more than you’ll ever know and loved in a way that makes the world a better place. This illness is not your fault. So just breathe, put one foot in front of the other and you will get through this.