Teddy Roosevelt said ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and I’m inclined to agree, now more than ever.
The natural human urge to aspire – to be better, do better and strive to achieve – drives us to look up to those we hold in high esteem, emulate role models, and try to be like those who seem to have it all sorted.
So comparison IS good then?
Not always….
Comparing ourselves to others can sometimes turn out to be a de-motivator, even negative.
We tend not to compare ourselves favourably, or in an aspirational way, unless we set our minds to it – consciously emulating those role models.
To feel better, we often take the easier option of comparison with those living worse lives than ours.
To aspire, we compare to better lives, sometimes resulting in feelings of falling short.
Today, people of all ages face constant online comparison with no off-switch; no moderation, guidance or control, which can be overwhelming.
It takes a lot to cultivate your own self-worth, so negativity-inducing comparison doesn’t help.
Comparison is not new
Routinely comparing ourselves to others seems to be more prevalent now with our online-influenced lives.
It’s always been there: comparisons with Hollywood stars, style icons and celebrities. Branding and advertising have been around for hundreds of years. Instagram influencers are just a new format.
But in-your-face, 24-hours-a-day exposure from always-on and available screens? Now, that’s relatively new
Negative effects
We search the images in front of us, thinking, ‘oh, I’d love to have eyes like that, a body like hers, clothes like those’; and, ‘beauty makes life easy, that lifestyle would make me happy’ and so on
You may form the opinion ‘everyone loves that kind of person’, which can slide into a belief of, ‘I would only be worth loving if I was like that’, potentially ending up with, ’no one loves me’, at the extreme end of the comparison- effect spectrum
So what to do if comparison is affecting us adversely?
Ask yourself some questions:
- What evidence do you have that this person has a better life than you?
Celebrities and models – they have a team of people to achieve those results and are actively advertising stuff and themselves. Unknown, ‘ordinary people’ – we know nothing about their real lives.
- Are we trying to emulate something, or someone, that’s not truly representative of real life?
It doesn’t even have to be paid models in advertisement-glossy photo shoots or career influencers. The same effect can be caused when we look at our friends and unknown ‘ordinary people’ on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and Twitter
Are they putting the best, posed photos forward? We don’t see the ‘before’ of that ‘after’ shot, the time spent setting it up, the discarded pics littering the ‘cutting-room floor’, showing the real conditions
Look good/Feel good
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look great and making efforts to do so. Looking good makes us feel good too. Everyone loves when a photo or video comes out well, never more than now during Covid-19 lockdowns, as we expand into our leggings and oversized sweatshirts!
However, we tend to believe what we see in front of us.
If we are having off-days, we can have exaggerated reactions to those who look like they’re having a better time.
Few post unflattering pics that may resonate with how bad we may feel.
Not in our own backyards
There’s always been celebrity gossip.
With ‘lifestyle’ coverage on social media online platforms, it’s reaching younger audiences. It’s now accessible to impressionable, sometimes underage, minds; perceived as the gospel according to Google.
With constant online saturation of advertising, subliminal or otherwise, we seemingly have to live up to new, cyber-standards of happiness, beauty, style and wit
This access is insidious as it’s totally acceptable!
This is the digital age so there’s really no getting away from it; adapt or risk FOMO (fear of missing out – the online-induced malaise)
Historically, cinemas gave us feature-length, escapism-exposure to beauty, money and make-believe; there wasn’t always blanket coverage of famous people’s lifestyles; television wasn’t on 24 hours a day; screens with real-time information didn’t go to bed with you and, the main difference, celebrity culture wasn’t really for ‘the common man’
There was a distance which helped to balance it all out. Fame, money and beauty seemed somewhat unattainable.
It may be that now the constant comparison to other ‘mere mortals’, along with celebrity culture, is having a more pronounced, negative effect on us.
The sight of ‘ordinary people’ in school, college, and work, who can now project themselves in a ‘better-than-real-life’ way, through filtered images online, is making us think that maybe we, too, ‘should’ be living like that.
It’s now in our own backyards…..
This may harm our mental health as it’s based on ‘shoulds’; we feel the negative effects of not being like the images we see, not having the brands we ‘should’ have; feeling disadvantaged by not living the way we see people ‘like us’ living online, never mind the famous ones!
Before, there was a get-out clause: I don’t have to live like that as I’m not a celebrity.
The positive side
It’s great that now each and every one of us has no bar to self-fulfilment; any and all of us can become an astronaut, a singer, a film star, a You Tube influencer. Opportunity knocks for all.
However, be mindful of the fact that most successes don’t happen overnight; it takes hard work, dedication and commitment to aspire and progress through life.
Give a child a good ten years of solid, balanced upbringing and you’ll get someone with a sporting chance of withstanding the slings and arrows of outrageous adulthood, capable of self-actualising their potential.
If we meddle with this by plunging a person into a comparison-by-default environment too soon, the odds aren’t so good.
If we, at any age, are sucked into the online, filtered image of what life should be – what you should be wearing, doing, feeling, buying – there has to be a negative cost if it is not balanced with real expectations and realistic goals.
But these are the times we are living in. We can’t go backwards, and who would want to. A note of caution is maybe needed though, along with some patience, realism and time-limited screen-time.
Life online – advertised, idealised and airbrushed – looks easy; having money, beauty, youth and power promises to solve all our problems.
However, we know deep down it may solve some, but to be successful at life we need to be real; align ourselves to our values and principles, live according to our authentic selves; not someone else’s idea of what the best life should be, as presented in filtered-image format online.
The virtual world is just that – virtual.
Healthy comparison and aspiration to real ideals is what we should be aiming for.
Yes, you will feel a twinge of regret at not having what others seem to have, which is totally normal, however, always question its validity.
Practice being compassionate instead of the, sometimes initial, reaction of ‘who does he/she think she is, showing off!’ that can well up in us, making us feel negative, especially if we are having a less than good day
Backstage reality-check
Take a step back and wonder what may be behind those posts; behind those perfect, modified, carefully-curated pics; staging their backgrounds (only good for Zoom meetings – who wants to see an unmade bed with a bowl of dried-on cornflakes taking centre stage) to project their lives as great
Think beyond the gloss, think about the pics that didn’t make it.
Consider the poster who actively rejects the reality of their lives, their human frailty, the lovely smile they really have when no one is demanding perfection on a screen
Choose positive comparison
- Try and drop comparisons, or at least limit them.
- If you are going to compare yourself, compare ‘like with like’ – to those with similar skills and lives, who are inspirational, so you won’t feel inferior.
- Acknowledge it is normal to compare; we learn by modelling, ‘copying’, behaviours. It’s also normal to have twinges of envy.
- Choose your comparisons wisely; aspire to be like a rock-solid, real role- model.
- If looking at images makes you feel bad about yourself, get away from them, fast! Simply put down your phone and get out.
- Keep a ‘gratitude diary’ – listing things you are thankful for in YOUR life; listing your own strengths and qualities, to have self-compassion which will switch on your positivity.
- Remember, there will always be better and worse than you; we are all individuals, working at our own pace, with unique sets of capabilities, methods and circumstances.
- Remind yourself you have nothing to gain by comparing yourself to someone you really don’t know. Better to use your energy to focus on what YOU need to do to be a happy, effective, loving and caring person, grounded in who you are, navigating the ‘real world’.
Shakespeare may have said ‘all the world’s a stage’, but life isn’t staged; it’s imperfect; messy, unscripted, unposed; a balance of tragic/comic events, and, above all, it’s real and unfiltered.
Just try to be you, in the shape of you, reclaim that joy, no filters added…