We hear of climate change resilience – assessing the bounce back-ability of places that experience climate change disasters, financial resilience – assessing the bounce back-ability of businesses from financial shock.
The subject of this article is true or emotional resilience which has been described as responding to our lives in a way whereby we stay awake to what’s happening and maintain a capacity to grow from this; it is the ability to grow from adversity. We can train ourselves to become more resilient.
When lives are interrupted by trauma or tragedy – which may be a critical incident that happens over a day, or a prolonged experience such as childhood related trauma – the mind and body’s first response is often not to stay awake to what’s happening but rather to shut down, flee, ignore, deny (the Fight/Flight/Freeze response).
This is our sympathetic nervous system’s way of helping us to simply survive – a gift passed down from our Neanderthal ancestors which they needed to stay protected from sabre tooth tigers. We’re no longer in jeopardy of being hunted by tigers now, but threats and tragedies remain. Substance misuse, self-harm and self-sabotaging behaviours are often used to help us flee, ignore and deny our trauma.
Fortunately resilience can be cultivated over our lifetime, once we choose to nourish ourselves. Psychologist and Buddhist leader, Tara Brach, refers to emotional resilience as true resilience and tells us it is usually born out of the need to recover and grieve. With adversity comes loss – loss of who we were, loss of relationship, of self-esteem, of self-worth.
Brach tells a story of a resilient boy:
A young boy joins a class halfway through the school year. Every day he brings two slices of bread for his lunch, no butter, no filling, but he routinely takes the slices out of tinfoil and places them together and proceeds to eat them as if tucking into a full sandwich. Another boy says, ‘I don’t know why you’re eating it like that?’
The young boy replies, ‘Because I deserve a sandwich’.
How To Grow Resilience
Befriending difficult emotions when they arise.
No emotions are wrong or bad. They are our smoke alarms to alert us to how we are feeling. When we ignore or hold down difficult emotions over time the fire still smoulders, it does not disappear. It is waiting to be attended to.
You will be familiar with what the Stress Response feels like; racing heartbeat, change in breathing rate, tightness in the chest, bracing/holding in the face, hands, shoulders, sickness in the belly. This is our nervous system readying us to get away from a perceived threat, back to safety via the Flight, Fight or Freeze response.
Unfortunately our amazing brains cannot differentiate between an actual threat like an oncoming car and a perceived threat such as a negative thought that you think about yourself.
How to befriend our emotions:
Name it to tame it: Acknowledge and name difficult feelings. This slows down our reactivity to what’s happening in our mind and body. It creates a space that allows us to respond, instead of react. It provides clarity about what’s happening. It promotes ownership of feelings. It also helps us to identify patterns that are present in respect of our emotions.
Recognising emotional signatures in your body. Like a handwritten signature, we all have unique bodily sensations that can be attributed to an emotion.
You may feel sadness as a tightening in your throat, or fear as a contraction in your belly.
When an emotion arises in your body use gentle curiosity/inquiry, asking yourself What does this emotion feel like in my body? What felt experience am I having? Why is this feeling here?
When we can name and recognize our emotions, and the associated bodily sensations we are in a better position to nurture them.
Nurturing difficult emotions
Adopting a nurturing perspective or stance towards difficult emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, and hate can be very effective. You can journal and/or talk silently in your head to ensure you are being self-compassionate.
To help you connect with your emotion you can place your hand on your heart as you reflect and write. You can use your breath as an anchor to connect with your true self. The ‘true self’ is the purest part of yourself that is not bothered by the inner critic or nagging self-doubt.
Recognising common humanity
It is part of the human condition that we think from the I/Me perspective. We self-reference when we come across any information, automatically thinking What does this mean to me, how does this relate to me. This automatic response harks back to Neanderthal times when survival of the fittest was a literal occurrence. When we actively practice recognising common humanity we can begin to think and act from We instead of I. When we are stopped in our tracks by a traumatic life event and we are well versed in ‘We’ thinking, we are less likely to feel aloneness and isolation while recovering.
Finding your tribe
We are social animals and so, are inter-dependent on other beings and the environment in which we live. Strengthening your connections socially and spiritually with this world strengthens resilience. You can strengthen your connections by helping causes that you feel strongly about, by leaning towards people whose light and energy makes you feel good about yourself and avoiding or minimising your contact with those who do not.
Sharing of resilience stories, when it feels safe to do so, allows the truth to be echoed back to the storyteller, validating the adversities that were experienced. Sharing in groups promotes collective resilience when the individuals have been through a similar adversity. The group becomes bigger than the sum of its parts. There is much evidence of resilience building and healing in interest and support groups which were born out of the want for social connection and understanding.
Sometimes we may not be in a position to nurture ourselves. This is when it is important to allow someone else to nurture you. This is what tribes are for. Our vulnerability is the true cornerstone of our resilience.