“A piece of advice,” the man said. “I don’t know why you are so insecure. Really. You have so much going for you—you come from a good family, you are smart, good-looking, caring… And somehow, you fail to see it. You always act like a lost little puppy, too scared to be free.”
“You know,” he continued his monologue, “you can’t expect someone to love you if you yourself aren’t sure who that “you” is. And you can’t possibly love others, if you don’t know how to love yourself. Think about that… when the next guy comes around, okay?”
Hello, my name is Evelyn Marinoff and I was a low esteemer.
Thinking back to the times when I exhibited signs of how little I valued myself, the above story—one of my exes’ farewell biddings—vividly pops up. But there are other very similar ones. So many, in fact, that at one point I felt as if all I did was a failure. Or will end up in one. I even expected it.
Although I wasn’t quite aware at the time but I was extremely introverted and shy too. Layered with low confidence, these three personality traits, without doubt, create a rather disadvantageous alignment in anyone’s stars.
Here I was—single, with no career progression, with a very limited number of friends, and spending almost every Friday night alone with a book and a glass of wine. Dreaming of the “could-be” life. If I only had a bit more belief in my own strengths— I kept telling myself— if I spoke up at the last meeting at work; If I was brave enough to say “hi” to the guy in the hallway; If, if, if….
Something needs to be done, I thought, since suddenly I was imagining future me as an older lady with 50 cats – not so funny!
Simply put, I found myself in a “Bridget-Jones situation”—alone and lonely, with not much light on the horizon personally and professionally. And many of these “misfortunes” were due to my inability to appreciate myself enough. That much I could understand.
What do I do now? How do I fight the low confidence disease (yes, it’s a disease!) so that I can stop it from tainting all areas of my life?
These questions were swirling in my mind few years ago when I first started researching self-esteem, so that I can find better ways to help myself become more self-accepting, and to not let setbacks in the past define the person I wanted to become.
I would like to tell you here that it was easy-breezy and effortless, that it’s possible to become confident in few weeks, by following the “10 easy steps” that we all read about in the media.
But that would be a lie.
Because it’s not easy, nor fast. It requires time. It entails taking a deep-dive into your personality, into your prior experiences, into your beliefs and conditioning.
For me, building a sustainable confidence involved two main things:
1. Accepting who you are—the good and the bad. But more importantly—it’s understanding the underlying cause for your low self-esteem. For some it’s appearances and being bullied growing up, for others—it’s the harsh criticism we received from our parents.
For me, it was my looks—I was a bit overweight growing up, had acne, and wore braces. No matter how many “A”s I got in school, it didn’t matter. My self-esteem was more closely tied to my appearances than to anything else. I was bullied by others too, which made me even more introverted and shy.
2. Challenging the past and the beliefs you hold about yourself. And this is the hardest part. But it’s also where the healing happens. This is how we re-build our self-worth – by letting go, by giving ourselves permission to move on, to be happy, to reinvent ourselves.
Like a phoenix.
If, like me, you have lived under the shadows of self-doubt and self-unappreciation, you would know how painful low esteem can be. It can come with a myriad of other side effects too as: constant comparisons to others, negative self-image, “what others will think” mind-trap, fear of judgement and criticism (even if it’s constructive).
So, how does a person return from such a desolate and unhappy place to become confident, to re-connect with one’s inner self, to believe they deserve a space under the sun as much as anyone else?
There is no single answer or way. Our low esteem story is specific to our histories and environments. But I will share what I’ve learned through the years of trial and error, and from the many self-help books and studies I’ve read.
My Confidence Toolbox:
- Mentoring, or as I call it— The Sheryl Sandberg Effect. I decided to test the effectiveness of “virtual mentoring” and committed to watching daily YouTube speeches of Sheryl Sandberg for a month. Every morning, I would spare 5-10 minutes, sometimes on mute, observing her body language—gestures, eye contact, posture.
What I noticed was that I felt more energised, braver and more self-assured strolling into the office, than before. After a month, I decided to keep going—only with another role-model. I still do this often as it seems to be a great confidence-booster. - Priming, or the Power of Words. I drafted a “confidence list”—some 10-15 positive words which I read every morning— “confident,” “strong,” “smart,” “intelligent,”, ”compassionate”. Priming our brains with such expressions has the power to make them real, as they tend to show though our actions and behaviour, according to research.
- I started a diary at the beginning of my confidence journey, where I wrote daily three things—something new I learned; one positive thing I did; one thing that I wished I did better. Over time, certain trends started to emerge which made it quite apparent which areas I needed to focus on improving. Journaling brought about a deeper awareness of this.
- Challenge your fears. Psychologists call this notion “desensitisation”—it’s a form of exposure therapy to treat anxiety disorders. The idea is well-known, as well as its benefits: continuous encounters with the “monsters,” over time, help lose their power over us.
- Celebrate successes. Commit to small daily goals liked to confidence-building. It can be as trivial as “talk to one person at work you’ve never talked to” or more daring as “speak up at the next team meeting.”
And I applauded or treated myself for achieving these.
In the end, the desire to better ourselves is the first step to building self-esteem, it ultimately starts with loving yourself and honouring your own journey. Contrive a plan—the outcomes you want to get out of your confidence journey, stick to it, and take a stock at the end of each week.
Remember that every day gives us a new opportunity to start fresh and anew.
No matter how bad or painful things may seem, take some wisdom from the Hollywood movies (no, it’s not a typo!): You can always live to fight another day.