A Lust For Life

Four Years On

It’s been exactly four years and 10 days since my father’s suicide, that is over 2103795.06 minutes that I have spent wishing that I still had my best friend, my rock, my daddy.

Four years ago, in this moment, I will have been searching for my dad, taking phone calls of possible sightings, desperately asking for help all over the internet, doing everything possible that I could to bring my father home, I barely slept.

I knew that he was dead, even when he was missing, I knew that he had drowned. I don’t know how, maybe I knew him so well that I could sense his actions but then how couldn’t I sense his upcoming suicide, before he was missing?

The morning my mother came barging into my room, screaming and explaining that my dad was in fact suicidal, I did think at first he had gone to town but as soon as I rushed out of the house to look for him, around 8am, I just had this image of him swan-diving into the river.

Of course I told myself many things, like he had gone off grid or had decided to start a new family, we even got a medium for help, though I knew the truth in my heart, I didn’t want to believe it.

In all honesty, as bad as it sounds, when it was confirmed that my dads body was found, I had a sense of relief, I was broken but living in that state of limbo was so much more painful, enough to drive the most sane person into a deteriorated mental health state.

Over that last few years, it has been a rollercoaster, I’ve struggled with substance abuse, toxic environments and relationships. I’ve kept changing my paths and destinations until I am at my current place, where I still have a long way to go but I can understand fully my father’s death and I am at peace with it, though that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him.

It’s funny, if it wasn’t for my dad’s death, I would never have met my husband and it’s unlikely I would have moved out at 20 and fell in love with my little Pomeranian. It’s uncomfortable to say but there have been many good things that have happened since my father passed away, though it is hard to be as excited when the person you want to share the news with, is no longer around.

I do find myself arguing with fate, would I give up all I have now, just for my father to be alive? If I could turn back time. The truth is that I will never love a man as much as I loved my father and no one will replace him but I feel that my father would have ended his life regardless of how many times he was stopped and I believe its selfish of me to force him to be alive, through his pain, just so I am happy. I’m also content at my life and so proud to be where I am, even though I’m not 100% at my goal, I do believe everything in life has happened for a reason, for that I don’t think I could change my past, even if I could.

I cannot work, so I spend every day of my life helping others through writing and tweeting and talking, I earn no money from it and yet I feel that I earn so much from doing this, I feel like I have found my passion and dream, so if one day it can be a career, then I really have made it. It’s just unfortunate that it took my father ending his life for me to realize my goals, which until recently I had none of.

My life is good now, I have an adoring husband who supports me, I have my own pets, I am writing and working towards finally finishing college. I am getting treatment for my mental health and I am finically sorting out my eating habits. It’s taken a long time and grief will affect everyone differently and in different time frames, though I do want to say that, from my own example, when a loved one dies, it doesn’t mean you need to die with them, life will change and can become better but you need to let it.

For the future, I intend to carry on with raising awareness of mental health and suicide, I want to prevent as many people from taking their lives as possible, I don’t know how I’ll do it but I will find a way.

I am also hoping that one day, when I have money and I really hope I live to do this but I wish to see the Northern Lights, as it was a wish that my father and I shared, so I feel like I need to do what he couldn’t, it will be our finial goodbye.

Life after you lose a loved one to suicide is not easy, it is so lonely but in your own time and way, as long as you let yourself, you can still live a good life and you can turn even the worst experiences into something positive.

I really recommend talking or writing about your feelings, everyone has a talent and you can use that to heal as well as help others. You are not alone and suicide is not the answer, keep fighting.

Help information

If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.

If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:

By Charlotte Underwood

I'm a 22 year old from Norfolk, UK. I openly suffer with severe depression and anxiety with further diagnosis pending. My story is a unique one, I am both a person who has survived a suicide attempt and turned my life into the one I dreamt of and never thought possible, But I am also the daughter of a suicide victim, my father died in 2014 when I was 18 and he was the kindest man, he also did lots of work to prevent suicide and gave everyone mental health support, even the prisoners he looked after. I blog often a few times a week (charlotteunderwoodauthor.wordpress.com) and have recently started writing poetry. My only goal now, my passion and dream, is to carve a world where stigma is gone, where there is more support and treatment options from mental health and where suicide no longer becomes such an ever growing cause of death. I have purpose and this dream and it gives me every desire to fight for this till I'm 100.