Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex mood disorder. It is usually diagnosed between the ages of 30 and 39. I believe this will be diagnosed sooner as we become more educated about the symptoms. Currently, psychiatrists diagnose BPD using The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV).
When my BPD first started to manifest, I was only a child. I have emotional dysregulation. This means my emotional reactions are disproportionate to the actual situation. If someone ignores you, most people would be embarrassed, upset and move on. I obsess about why they would ignore me, what had I done to cause them to ignore me. I’d feel devastation and would convince myself that the person hated me. In turn, I would internalise that negative energy. This only exasperated my self-hatred and would often end in episodes of self-harm.
Living with BPD you have an ongoing instability in your moods, behaviour, self-image, and functioning. The problem is I always thought I was normal. Due to my inability to realise I had an illness I often had impulsive actions and unstable relationships. I experienced intense episodes of depression and anxiety that could last from hours to days. The only anger I ever experienced was to myself, the intense anger always internalised.
Some people with BPD also have high rates of co-occurring mental disorders, such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and eating disorders, along with substance abuse, self-harm or suicidal ideation. I suffered from an eating disorder in my teens, depression, anxiety, self-harm, substance abuse and suicide attempts. All my life I’ve been screaming out for a diagnosis of BPD.
I fear abandonment so much, I panic – I try to stop the process of being left behind even though it isn’t really happening. I find it hard to keep relationships as everyone I meet is instantly placed on a pedestal – when the pedestal drops I feel rejected, abandoned. If I fear rejection, instead of allowing myself to be hurt I isolate myself. If I don’t make friends then they can’t reject me.
I’ve acted impulsively and dangerously. Spending obscenely large amounts of money obtained from loan sharks and credit cards. Speeding around country roads in rally cars. Standing at the top of a hotel with my arms spread out, ready to jump. Partying for days until I collapsed.
Reoccurring self-harm is a constant with me which releases my repulsion of myself through cutting. I’ve had to be hospitalised after two episodes. I have had numerous suicide attempts – many that saw me survive sheerly by luck.
I have attended psychotherapy and completed CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy). I also started DBT (Dialectical behavioural therapy) and am awaiting a place on an intense course. DBT goes a layer deeper than CBT. For me, it’s reprogramming a lifetime of fearing abandonment, a lifetime of self-hatred and a lifetime of disproportionate emotional responses. I basically need to reprogram how I approach my emotions, control moods and maintain close relationships. I need to stop being afraid of abandonment and realise it’s not always my fault. I’m 38 and I never leave the house apart from bringing my daughter Farah to do activities or going to work. I have isolated myself so much it’s like I’m in a snow globe and everyone is around me looking in but I’m really all alone.
People often ask me why did I choose a career in media if I fear rejection so much? It’s an industry that breeds rejection. I have always needed others to validate me as a person. I never trusted my own opinions, I never trusted I was ever good enough for anyone or anything. Early in life, I had emotional swings with my parents. It would go from “you’re my favourite” to emotional freeze out. At that early stage, I was already developing a dysfunctional view of relationships.
With radio, I didn’t need to be myself. I could leave all my insecurities at the door and create a brand new persona and there Nikki Hayes was born. I believed in myself at work and had this validated by bosses and listeners constantly. The one thing I knew I was good at was work. So when I lost my job suddenly in 2010 it sent me spiralling into a desperate depression. If my work persona was being rejected then I had nothing to hide behind anymore. I found from then on the confusion spilled out in every aspect of my life. It was then that BPD really showed its face as I became a flashing red light that the doctors couldn’t ignore anymore.
Between 2010 and 2015 my signs and symptoms grew and eventually after an acute mental breakdown I was hospitalised and the diagnosis was delivered.
If you have someone close to you who is up and down, acting out and being reckless, please don’t just label them a bold child, a wild teenager, a tornado twenty-something – stop, look, explore a little deeper, educate yourself, connect with them on a deeper level. See if you can assist them to get the right support they deserve. I was all the above and through it all I built up traumatic and stressful feelings which imploded with self-mutilation and suicide attempts. Had someone stopped to wonder why I acted how I did, I may have gotten help sooner. I didn’t think I was any different to any other person but people on the outside looking in did – take time to talk, ask, reassure and get the right support.
Nikki’s book Crying into the Saucepan is available for purchase here and bookshops nationwide.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here: