A year of your life to save your life…
You hear that statement quite often at the beginning, just after you get the diagnosis. Back then, a year seemed like a lifetime. One of trepidation, fear, terror, shock and the unknown. A dogged opponent that will square up to you in no uncertain terms, one that you must dig deeper than ever before to fight.
October the 2nd marks a year since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. My treatment continues, the fatigue and nausea prevail and the ‘Chemo brain’ is hanging around but slowly and steadily, I am coming alive again. We did lose that year, certainly my husband and I, lost a whole year and within it experienced pain and highs and lows that we would not wish on anyone else but in looking forward I want to focus on and mark what it is that we gained. We have learnt so much. In no particular order:
- It takes a village. To get through Cancer treatment, particularly when they throw the kitchen sink at you, takes a village. You cannot do it alone and we are eternally grateful that we did not have to. The kindness we have experienced from people we had known and some we had not, will never be forgotten and will stay with us our whole lives. From Chemo-drivers to child-minders, terminology explainers, door stop fairies, cooks, carers and true friends, we could not have made it this far without each and every one of you. You know who you are. The learning from this is that an act of kindness has a profound effect on the person long after the act has been performed. I hope that someday I can repay that kindness in some form to someone else, when they need it.
- Cancer forces you to be focused. Life is, in fact, short and so we are very careful now with whom and how we spend our time. Living with the uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis means that time wasting is no longer an option. We do not know how long we have and so every moment of every day is treasured and as much as possible, enjoyed.
- Children can cope very well and understand in their own way what is going on. We made a huge effort with this, talking in language they understood, removing uncertainty and fear by using the C-word, sharing this language with friends, teachers, family and our ultimate desire for them to learn through this that people can get sick from Cancer and get better. Luckily so far, this is proving true.
- Being present is the secret to realising that the little things are really the big things. Being forced to block out the noise has taught me that is where the sweet spot is, silly conversations with the kids, quality time with my love, fun with my family and friends without the usual flitting and running from one thing to the next. I have learnt so much more about my children and their view of the world because I have had the time and opportunity to really listen.
- It’s all relative. As with everything in life, how you allow something to affect you is relative to you. I was lucky, we caught the cancer early. Despite this, they obliterated me with surgery, aggressive chemo and radiation – to save my life. This experience has changed our view of the world in every respect, all relative to our new norm. We appreciate the little things now far more than before. We value time, friends and family with a new depth and vigour.
- Cancer treatment makes you more vulnerable than you ever thought possible and so with every patient interaction, tone of voice and language, respect in body language and approach of the Doctors and Nurses are of paramount importance – it can change the patient’s day or week depending on the situation.
- Conserve your energy in every way. Be mindful not to engage in the sad stories of others. Everyone’s cancer story is their own and hearing about friend’s relatives or neighbours who are sick or dying doesn’t help that person or yourself.
- Breast Cancer treatment is a confidence killer. The de-feminising effect of the surgery to remove part of or a whole breast(s), losing the hair on your head, only to be followed by the loss of your eyebrows and eyelashes – all of which form the foundations of your femininity and for me, my identity. Not to mention weight gain, fatigue, nausea, skin issues, loss of feeling in your hands and your toes. It will take time to build back up to a new norm and often no matter how ‘well’ you look on the outside, the hardest bit is dealing with all of this on the inside.
- Talking to someone going through Cancer is not easy, as the patient, I appreciated when people were considered in what they said and did not say. Showing empathy and care means a lot. If you do not know what words to use, then don’t say anything at all. It’s okay to say ‘this is hard and I don’t know what to say but I’m here for you. How can I help?’ Being direct and clear in your intention or thought is helpful to someone going through Cancer, rather than just asking ‘how are you?’ As often, this is far too complex an answer to give.
- Managing anxiety and learning to ‘safely’ defer worry can help to keep you facing forward. I now live by the motto: “If it’s not today’s worry, don’t worry about it” as I have learned that everything works itself out… eventually.
- Gratitude is an important step in keeping perspective. Recognising the luck we have and being grateful for the many good things going on can keep the darkness at bay when times are tough.
The last twelve months have been the toughest to date for us, we have seen things we could never have seen before, in ourselves, our closest family and friends and in life. For that we are truly grateful. The depth of strength and love we have for each other, of our family and best friends is profound and life changing.
I feel so lucky to have been given the opportunity to see that. We have of course, seen the opposite too in certain situations and people but that’s life. It’s all a lesson to be experienced, put away and built upon. We’re not there yet but we are far further than we were a year ago.
A great friend told me after my diagnosis that you have three choices in life; ‘Give up, give in or give it all you got.’ I have only one choice in that respect as I will always fight with every ounce of my being to be healthy and well to stay with my better half and see my children grow up. Here’s hoping that is exactly what happens. For now, I know that I will never have a bad hair day again!
#pinkcaterpillar #breastcancerireland #livingwithcancer #oneyearon #lifelessons #nevergiveup
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